4 More Ways Pepsi Will Solve Racism

author-pic at University of Arizona  

Wow! Pepsi is stepping up their social justice game by teaming up with Kendall Jenner of Keeping Up with the Kardashians to solve racism. They recently released a video advertisement that showed Ms. Jenner singlehandedly using a can of Pepsi to solve the intuitional racism in America’s law enforcement system. Incredible! If only Black Lives Matter and other activist groups had known that all it would take to undo centuries of oppressive policing is a single can of mediocre soda. Here are 4 other ways Pepsi is going to end racism, while still making all that sweet, sweet money!

4.) Free Wigs!:

Pepsi’s going to be handing out blonde wings to all the colored people in America. Remember: Cops don’t shoot white people. And, if you look white from behind, cops won’t be shooting you, either. So, keep runnin’!  To the store to buy a Pepsi, that is!

3.) Hiring A Black Guy!:

Not only is Pepsi creating beautiful commercials with poignant messages that have nothing to do with exploiting a minority group’s struggle for equality for profit, but they’re going to work harder to hire token minorities in every department. Fantastic! Pepsi is going to have a Black guy, and an Asian guy, and maybe even a guy in a wheelchair, assuming all those new ramps won’t cut into the profit margins.

2.) Lobbying!:

That’s right, guys! Pepsi isn’t just going to use the corrupt lobbying system to petition the government to as to reduce safety regulations on their sodas at the expense of the consumer. Well, at least not anymore! They’re also going to ask the government to work harder at protecting the rights of racial minorities, and it’ll be on TV, just like that commercial! Just, on CSPAN and way more boring. It’s so good to see a company stepping up to do the right thing, as long as it’s good PR and doesn’t interfere with their profits.

1.) Ads! Ads! Ads!:

After the success of their not-at-all tone deaf commercial with Kendall Jenner, Pepsi has announced that they’re launching a series of advertisements to promote their new anti-racism agenda. Radical! These ads will be completely tasteful, with people of all races, belief systems and sexual orientations (well, except transsexuals—we’re not there yet) in hot make-out sessions. It definitely won’t epitomize the worst aspects of capitalism by exploiting a minority group’s struggle for existence to maximize profits. Isn’t great to see our corporate friends stepping up for the little guy?

Pepsi sure is a great company, just look at their stock price. It’s amazing that we finally live in a time where company can piggyback on a burgeoning resistance movement for profit. God bless America.