Fellow Wildcats, some of you may not know, but when it comes to driving, Tucson has specials rules. Here are the 5 steps every car owner in the Dirty T must follow to avoid chaos flooding the streets.
Step #1: Plaster on Some Bumper Stickers, Bro
Before putting one foot into your vehicle, make sure there are at least four bumper stickers on your car. We’re pretentious college students who have the right to voice our opinions all the time, because the world cares what we have to say about everything. These stickers can say anything from “Butts for Bernie,” to “This Car is Zombie-Proof.” The more passive-aggressive, the better. And don’t limit yourself to just four, if we can’t even tell what color your car is, you know you’re doing it right. Your car’s #1 purpose isn’t transportation, it’s to annoy the hell out of other drivers with your opinions.
Here’s a great example found right here in Tucson:
Step #2: Don’t Stop for ANYBODY
As you pull out onto the street, make sure to check if there are any pedestrians coming, so you can run them over with your car. We both know who really has the right of way, and it’s not the person who is too poor to afford a car and is forced to walk everywhere. Are you looking to spice things up during your mundane drive to school? Turn it into a car game! For every Wildcat you hit while driving down Speedway or University, you get 100 points! If you hit a biker it’s 250 points! Those suckers can be hard to target once they start pedaling.
Step #3: Run EVERY Red Light
You may find yourself running a bit late, but don’t worry, since Tucson is notorious for having one of the highest rates of ran red lights in the country. Yellow lights have become nothing but a suggestion. Just think of it like, all of the cars around you are your wife, and you’re the husband with erectile dysfunction, and they politely wait till you’re finished coming at high speeds.
Step #4: NEVER Use Your Blinker, Especially on the I-10
In Tucson, there’s practically no point in using a blinker. Whether you’re merging on the I-10, trying to get your Eegee’s fixing in between classes, or you’re just trying to pass a snow bird that’s going 10 miles under the speed limit, they’ll yield to your superiority. If the car you just cut off manages to rear-end you, be prepared to reap the benefits of: not having to go to class, receiving a hefty check for a new car, and bonus cash for the emotional distress they caused you, after having to witness your White Mocha Latte fly out of your hand and onto your car floor. Ca-ching! Now you’ll be able to study abroad in Italy and become cultured, just like you always wanted.
Step #5: We’re Obnoxious College Students, So Embrace It
If there is one thing that you should take from this, it is to always be obnoxious! Feel free to stop in the middle of the road to check your phone and see which frats are throwing the best parties that night. There’s nothing a woman loves more, than being cat-called or whistled at. I remember one time my roommate and I we’re walking down Park, and a Mustang full of horn-dogs rolled down the windows and started barking at us, and man let us tell you, we practically cream ourselves right then and there.
If you follow these specific steps, I guarantee you will find success in maneuvering your way around town and preserving the beloved shitty sea of drivers on the roads of Tucson.