6 Things Sure to Piss Off Your Stupid Dumb Family While You’re Home for Break

author-pic at University of Arizona  

While all of your friends are headed to Colorado for winter break to go shoop-shoopin’ in the mountains, your mom convinced you she would die if she didn’t see you come home. And then there’s Dad who lured you home under the guise that he had a “surprise” for you that really just turned out to be the new TV he put in the garage. You’re pissed, and now you have to get them back. Oh boy, do we have ideas.

6.) Print out a Picture of Your Face and Tape it Over the Angel Tree Topper:
When your mom inevitably complains about how “blasphemes” that was, kindly remind her that it’s pretty blasphemes to exploit angels when she only goes to church on Christmas Eve. Whataya have to say about that, Karen?

5.) Download LimeWire on the Family Desktop:
Nothing screams revenge like a good ol’ fashioned computer virus. You know what you haven’t heard in a long time? “Good Riddance” by Green Day. You know what else you haven’t heard in a while? An unwanted recording of Bill Clinton repeating, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” for four minutes.

4.) Cheat at Scrabble:
When Mom offers to brew you up a cup of hot chocolate, and slip in a little *something extra* if you play Scrabble with her, politely accept. When she pulls out the dictionary to try and challenge you on the word “spacepockets” start flicking tiles at her one by one while you scoff and insist that she wouldn’t know the word because she’s never taken a Russian literature class.

3.) Sell the Couch on eBay:
Dad really wanted you to watch Roadhouse with him for the fifteenth time but he fell asleep in front of the TV again and is still insisting that he’s “watching that” every time you try and turn it off. If Dad can’t appreciate your “quality” time, then maybe he’ll appreciate the big money you made on his brand new La-Z-Boy.

2.) Make Long-Distance Calls to Your Japanese Pen Pal from Third-Grade:
Ya know, it’s been a few years since you talked with Aiko. Last you heard from him was that he got a dog and was really excited about it. Hmm wonder what he’s up to now? Give that ol’ boy a call on Aunt Pearl’s landline while you’re over for Christmas dinner, and see how long she can yell at you while she overcooks the ham.

1.) Burn All of Your Childhood “Artwork” Right in Front of Your Mom:
When it’s finally time to open presents on Christmas morning (or the 8th day of Hanukkah) and there weren’t any skis under the tree for you, march down to the basement and find that shitty drawing of a giraffe you made in Kindergarten and light it up right. in. front. of. Mom.

If your stupid dumb family doesn’t let you go skiing next year after all of the bullshit you pull this year, well then they really must love you. Either that, or you didn’t you didn’t try hard enough to turn the bathtub into an ant farm.