The 7 Hells of Tucson, Arizona

author-pic at University of Arizona  


Tucson is home to the Arizona Wildcats, Eegee’s, bitter ASU fans, and the best sunsets in the world. While there are a few qualities about Tucson that are not one hundred percent negative, there are factors about this city that are simply unbearable. Here’s a list of the seven hells of Tucson that’ll remind you to pack up and bust out of Arizona’s eyesore.

7.) It’s hotter than Mercury:

Have you ever seen those videos where someone fries an egg on the sidewalk? Now picture that the egg is your foot in a shoe that was supposed to protect it. Protection from the blistering walkways is impossible in Tucson because Helios was drag racing his flaming chariot down Broadway. You know the scene in Terminator where all the people are engulfed in flames? Well, in Tucson that’s a Tuesday.

6.) Tucson was featured in a shitty pop song:

The moment Halsey mentioned Tucson in the song “Closer”, it became clear that the name of this city will never be known for anything other than an excuse to make out with the nearest sweaty person next to you. Although, it does feel good when everyone points to the one person from Tucson (or anywhere in Arizona) in the room.

5.) The rain here is melodramatic:

Tucson is fairly safe from hurricanes, tornados, grizzly bears, earthquakes, and people who actually want to live there, however flash floods are a violent threat. It rains only once a year when many streets suddenly flood heavily enough to take down cars. Fortunately for Tucson drivers, this problem is solved with “do not enter” signs and two-hour detours. Don’t think you can ignore those signs either or else you violate the “Stupid Motorist Law” with which you’ll have to pay the people who rescue your dumb ass.

4.) The statistics are concerning:

Arizona, the state ranked higher in violence than education. Tucson takes the crown for the most dangerous Arizona city with its numerous murders, kidnappings, and violence. The worst part is that Criminal Minds has featured Flagstaff, Phoenix, and even Tempe, but Tucson has still not claimed its rightful place in the spotlight.  

3.) Everything interesting is a long drive away:

The cool parts of Arizona such as the Grand Canyon, Lake Havasu, and creepy, nearly-abandoned ghost towns are hours away from Tucson because nothing wants to be near it. People on the east coast can get to a whole other state in an hour while Tucsonans can get to an ostrich farm heading north to Phoenix.

2.) I-19 is labeled in kilometers:

On a stretch of highway heading towards Tucson lie the only kilometers in the United States. This is America dammit and the state government either forgot, or doesn’t care that we’re really stubborn when it comes to units of measurement. Not only is it weird, but it’s also unreadable for everyone who wants to know how far it is until they’re the fuck out of Arizona.

1.) U of A snobs:

The final and largest hell, is the U of A students who think they own Tucson (they do). These elitist punks think that they are the crème de la crème of Arizona because the entire city of Tucson are diehard Wildcats fan. Larger towns with actual events would never understand the collected worship of the U of A and the joined hatred of ASS-U.

There’s hope that some of these problems will be corrected with the revamp of downtown, but progress may be impacted by hipsters with “keep Tucson shitty” stickers on their laptops.

Listen to our podcast!