Cuffing season is in full swing, ladies. Hopefully you’ve locked down a man by this time of the year—nothing is more depressing than going ice-skating without a boy on your arm. If you’re a senior, it’s about time to start thinking about settling down with a nice lawyer. Here’s our recipe to whip up an engagement ring by commencements.
Marriage Proposal Recipe
Yield: One 1.5-carat ring and a comfortable tax bracket
Prep Time: All of first semester
Total Time: Six to eight months
Two kegs of Busch Light
A visit to the law library
One TI-84 calculator without batteries
Lots of monogrammed thongs
Weed—tons of it
Multiple half-gallons of tequila
One bachelor’s degree in communications
Chrissy Teigen’s Cravings
Tiffany’s winter catalog
Begin with a visit to the law library. Stake out until the aspiring corporate lawyer of your choice walks by. No environmental lawyers.
Next, walk past your future husband and ask him if he has batteries for your calculator. He won’t have any and you’ll just have the opportunity to flirt. Subtly mention that you have weed, because frat guys hate having to interact with low-class hippies to access their favorite substance.
Once your prince has invited you back to his frat castle, firmly assert your domination and sprinkle a bag of monogrammed thongs throughout his room. They will drive away other women and scare your future lawyer into your arms.
Start pumping that keg—cups, keg stands, even intravenously—because you’re going to have to love it for him to love you. You’re the cool girl, after all. Slurp and burp along with his frat bros to show that you’re the ideal woman. You must do all of this while remaining a size two. Before long, he will give you the coveted title of girlfriend without knowing how you guys got there.
Don’t let him get to you—Billy might not be too impressive now, but he’s going to be making six figures in a couple years as long as you hold on to him with all your might. Start nursing the tequila, which will make you forget any boyish mistakes and just make your personality ten times more enjoyable.
Now that you’re finagling your way into his life, start cooking for him. Obviously, you must take all tips from the queen of domesticity, Chrissy Teigen. Between rounds of spare ribs and mac and cheese, start sliding the Tiffany’s winter catalog onto his nightstand. Before bed, flip each page to new engagement rings that he won’t be able to afford without daddy-in-law’s Black Card.
After five months of prep, you must impress your future in-laws with a degree from the college of future wives and girlfriends—better known as communications.
If you’re cautious, calculated, and haven’t gained thirty pounds from Chrissy’s Dutch babies and the beer, you’re hitched. If your cake has been squashed, just throw a bun in the oven. Otherwise, you should have a shiny bauble and steady income streaming in to facilitate your Soul Cycle MILF transition in the upcoming years.