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BREAKING: Somehow This Stupid F***ing Trump Press Conference Is Still Going On

In a staggering display of evidence that there is no god, the Donald Trump press conference, which began on February 16th, 2017, is still somehow going on.

“Now tacos,” a visibly exhausted Donald Trump noted to an empty room, “pretty good! But those disgusting Mexicans, gotta get rid of ‘em! Good ole USDA beef, some shredded AMERICAN cheese and some Pace shells, made right here  in the US-of-A.”


The conference– which, again, began on Thursday– has been widely criticized by the press for being nonsensical and pointless.

“Flapjacks?” President Trump opined, “not a flap or a Jack! Now Jack,” the President continued, “that’s an American name. No importing that!” as the press conference slowly devolved into a national nightmare of a bad 1980s standup set.

Security footage shows a Secret Service Agent feeding President Trump an oatmeal raisin granola bar at 4:48 a.m. on February 17th.

“Now the way I see it,” the President huffed into a now-turned-off mic, “the difference between nerds and dorks, nerds are obsessed with something—anything—almost obsessively. Dorks, on the other hand—now a dork is just gonna be like a dweeb, they dress poorly, high waist and suspenders, you know? So, a dork is almost always a nerd, but a nerd doesn’t have to necessarily be a dork.”

In 1964 Randy Gardner set the world record for staying away for 11 days and 24 minutes. More as this story develops.


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