Fratsgiving: A Disaster Waiting to Happen

author-pic at University of Arizona  

Imagine what nightmare Thanksgiving would become if dinner were hosted by your favorite fraternity men and not your darling little grandmother. Fratsgiving would be nothing less than a sticky, intoxicated, nightmare of a celebration guaranteed to make your family doubt your ability to make good choices. If that description wasn’t enough to send chills down your spine, The Black Sheep is here to help you better understand what would happen if a frat party met Thanksgiving dinner:

A pilgrims and Indians theme:

Greeks love a good costume party, so it’s only natural that frat Thanksgiving would turn into a poorly thought-out themed gathering. In true, unoriginal, frat boy fashion, pilgrims and Indians is obviously the theme that would be chosen. Unfortunately, female guests would be challenged to find some ungodly way to show a little skin in their 17th century outfits. We suggest turning a traditional Native American garb into a micro minidress for a costume with both comfort and class.

Four Lokos served with the main course:

Just because Thanksgiving is a national holiday doesn’t mean that frat guys would be willing to pick their head up off of the bottom shelf at the liquor store to splurge on some tolerable booze. Nope, expect only crappy alcohol to be served. Think Natty Light to start off the evening, followed by your choice of gold or fruit punch Four Loko with the entree.

Fraternity chants in place of grace:

Picture this: instead of grandpa choking out the words to the blessing before dinner you’re serenaded by overly-confident fraternity men professing their love to letters that will mean nothing to them in four years. Mom and dad would be delighted to hear all of the raunchy things these men do to their innocent daughter before consuming a lovely meal and enjoying time with family.

Dinner music courtesy of a shitty DJ:

There’s always that one kid in the frat that aspires to be the greatest no-name EDM DJ of all time. He sweats profusely and gets way too wrapped-up in his duties to provide the party with an array of over-played trap song remixes. If his frat hosted your Thanksgiving dinner you best believe that your meal would be accompanied by an extremely original EDM remix of “Closer” or some throwback Kanye. If you’re lucky he might even bring his low-quality strobe lights to further set the mood.

Bonging beers for dessert:

Forget the delectable, scrumptious pumpkin and apple pies that everyone salivates over on Thanksgiving. Frat boys can’t bake a strudel as mean mom can, so on their menu for dessert would be an ice cold Natty Light delicately placed into a beer bong for you to thrust down your throat without vomiting. You will find a new love and appreciation for your family this holiday once you witness your 80-year-old grandmother funneling a beer faster than you can.

Fratsgiving dinner would be a mildly disturbing scene and an event that even the most extra sorority girl couldn’t bear to endure. This holiday, be thankful for the fact that you are in a social setting that doesn’t involve a diseased fraternity house and the only guy that wants to thrust his body into your mouth is Tom the 15 pound turkey that Aunt Ellen is cooking up.

Something so bad, 12 beers later, is so, so good.