Local Fraternity Man Diagnosed With Feelings-Simplex
This past Monday Morning, University of Delaware sophomore Brad Hampton exited the school’s health center after being diagnosed with feelings-simplex. The Sigma Theta Delta reportedly caught the disease from his longtime fuck buddy, Erin Matthews.
“When I got a call from the health center instead of the email that they usually send when your results are negative, I knew it was gonna be bad,” commented Hampton. “But when the nurse told me I’d contracted feelings-simplex, I was sort of shocked. I’ve always used protection with [Erin.] You know, conventional stuff like ghosting her when I thought things might be getting too serious, and telling her that her friends were all really hot and stuff. I also would tell her that I wasn’t interested in a relationship at least once a week.”
Friends of Hampton recall spotting signs of the infection earlier in the week. “Well I mean for the past couple months he’s had fewer and fewer random hickies all over his neck from girls at our parties,” reported brother Dan Shallows. “But this week he’s been acting hella weird, he actually went out to dinner with Erin one night and we were all like ‘whaaaaatttt?’”
“He keeps talking about her. Like, every conversation I have with him, he brings her up. That’s when we all started to get concerned, because Brad slays puss on the reg. But now it’s like he’s with just this one girl and it’s really throwing everyone off,” brother Stratton Hayfield contributed. “That’s when we got together and told him that he should get tested.”
Matthews, who is thought to have spread feelings-simplex to Hampton, was unable to be reached for comment; however friends of the Gamma Delta Iota sorority member have come out to reveal details about their sister’s exploits.
“I think she’s just embarrassed because she’s had feelings since like the second or third time they hooked up, but never told him. She was definitely afraid to lose him over it, I think that’s why she didn’t say anything,” disclosed roommate and sister Amy Pilner.
“She also probably didn’t want him to have to tell all of his other partners about it too, ya know? It’s a hassle, having feelings. I caught them once, actually,” added sister Andrea Ludman.
Hampton has revealed that he and Matthews are currently in the process of searching for treatment options, but their research into ways to quell their feelings for each other has reportedly been unsuccessful. Despite their best efforts, the couple has reportedly entered stage 3 feelings-simplex together, and are now exhibiting symptoms such as holding hands in public, posting kissing pictures on Instagram, and calling each other “babe” in front of their friends.
“This might just be something we have to live with, you know?” said Hampton following a particularly romantic date with Matthews. “I’ve heard that 67% of the global population lives with feelings, and it doesn’t really affect them that much as long as they’re taking their medications and stuff and telling potential partners about it. I bet I could get used to it.”
The couple was last seen together sharing a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs at a fancy restaurant in Newark, at which Hampton reportedly used his nose to push the last meatball across the plate to his feelings partner, Erin Matthews.
This one’s for all of you who’ve been duct taped inside a porta-potty: