Merry THOTmas: How to Stay Thotty in Cold Weather

author-pic at University of Arizona  

Just because there’s a chill in the air, doesn’t mean your game slows down. You dazzled the show with your rompers during the fall, but now you have holiday frat parties, formals, barcrawls, and half-off nights to prepare for. You can’t be that girl who just throws in the towel and covers her sweater puppies–you need to let those dogs breathe and be appreciated, even in 30-degree weather.

The Turtleneck Choker:

Chokers are all the rage nowadays, and you don’t have to get them at the dollar section at Forever 21. Pay homage to the prostitutes of days past by creating a choker that will not only keep your neck warm, but signal to that Pi Krapps that you’re ready to party. Simply take an old, dated sweater and cut the sleeve about an inch wide. Slip that over your neck and you now have a pseudo scarf/choker to take you from day to night, and a cover up for the hickey left by a lacrosse player named Chad or Todd.

Insulated Body Suit:

For some reason, everything girls wear now has to be snapped in the crotch. Fear not–even though the market has yet to come out with insulated body suits, you can easily craft your own. All you need is a thermal shirt, an eighties thong, Gorilla Glue, and minimal sewing skills. Simply take a thermal shirt and cut that shit as low as you want it to go. Secondly, sew that bad boy to the thong. Now, you can cut your thong string at the crotch and Gorilla Glue a snap to it. By the grace of Harambe, your makeshift bodysuit will hold strong and you’ll be able to party all night long.

Space Blanket Dress:

Fear not, for here is your solution to ABC parties. Everyone always wants to make a dress out of newspaper or caution tape, but that won’t keep you warm while you’re waiting outside for your Uber. Space blankets are made to retain body heat, and they’re thin enough to show off your figure. Simply tape yourself into the blanket. You’ll reflect all the laser lights into everyone’s eyes, possibly triggering a seizure with your signature style.

Parka Flasher:

People always make a huge deal out of wearing coats to the bar. The secret is that you won’t get too hot wearing a coat as long as you’re not wearing anything underneath. Wear a short North Face with your unmentionables and you’re ready to flash at your own free will. This outfit goes great with high heel rain boots, which exist for some God-forsaken reason.

Blinged-Out Ski Mask:

Spring Breakers is like, so totally 2013. However, ski masks are totally not. Masks are meant to be sexy and provocative, and those are your two top priorities besides being warm. Throw some Fifty Shades into the mix by adding lace detail and gems. Now, you won’t get wind burn while travelling from frat to frat, but you might get mistaken for Vanessa Hudgens.

Boys get lazy and settle to their ratty sweatpants and get to wear t-shirts under their polos; you, on the other hand, are smart enough to MacGyver your wardrobe into warm, yet tastefully slutty outfits. With these warm, winter closet staples, you’ll be on your way to collecting more shacker shirts in no time.