Following a night of presents and passion for millions of couples across the United States, depressed and pathetic singles everywhere are braving the light of day to stuff their sallow faces and distended stomachs with recently-marked down Valentine’s Day Candy.
“I’ve got my swattin’ broom handy,” Kathy Longfellow, a manager at a Chicago-area CVS, noted, “but soon as we drop those ‘50% off’ stickers on the Valentine’s Day candy aisle, ain’t no broom holdin’ them back.”
A cultural tradition among America’s saddest class, singles often flock to candy aisles well-stocked with confections emblazoned with phrases of love and affection. Many wretched ingest this candy as a proxy salve for the unyielding loneliness they feel in their day-to-day lives.
“This candy…love?” one snaggle-toothed bottom-feeder hissed, stuffing its face full of chocolate from a heart-shaped box, clearly disoriented by the light of the local corner store.
Sociology and psychology professors alike study this yearly ritual, further hoping to shed light on the actions of cretinous masses.
“Look at that one!” Diane Wold, Chair of Abnormal Psychology at DePaul University noted, pointing at a wispy-haired blob fending off several rivals with her yellowed, jagged fingernails, “why not use this as an opportunity to find a mate? Instead, these mongrels just return to isolation, every year, destined to be alone until they ‘re buried in a shallow, unmarked grave to disintegrate further into nothingness.”
“MIIIIIIIIIIIINE!” the single hissed angrily at her malformed foes, clutching a bag of heart-shaped Reese’s “the children need. Auntie good. Me auntie good.”
Soon, the singles will leave the Valentine’s Day candy aisles wracked and barren, retreating to whatever god-forsaken pit of despair they call their home until February 15, 2018, when the Rite of the Singles is set to occur again.