Our beautiful country is about to be part of a revolution. This election decides our futures, and I can no longer keep the secret that has been burdening my soul since Bid Day 2013. In almost every way, I’m just like you. I wear Lilly and Vineyard Vines. I drink wine spritzers while yelling at younger girls in our sorority to be less trashy. I’ll cuddle up with you and yell as the Bachelor drops the Tri-Delt we both love. However, one thing sets us apart.
I, name redacted* am a liberal.
Yes, I worship your Satan, Hillary Clinton. So what if Hillary deleted emails? I know for a fact you’ve deleted half the dicks you’ve sucked from your number, so same difference. Also, how can you not believe that Hilldawg sent thousands of emails just to plan Chelsea’s wedding? Hillary is no schmuck; this was probably the wedding of the century. I bet she sent over a thousand emails to make sure the beef was kosher and halal.
Despite being what Donald Trump defines as a nasty woman, I’m a dignified sister of this sorority.
Unlike most liberals, I can agree with you on quite a few things. I still think Greek life is completely necessary—how else do you whittle out the weak in life? Greek life is the only place where you’re still forced to get along with people you secretly hate. I can also respect you all for thinking you are 100% correct 100% of the time. I’ve seen how ruthless you all can get in the middle of a vote between Gilden and Comfort Colors shirts. Tomi Lahren might be the devil incarnate, but I won’t argue that her hair doesn’t look great all the time.
Even though I don’t agree with your stance on immigration laws, I’m still passionate against kitten heels and knock off Lululemon. No one is saying I don’t love this country; I just want your dad to pay his taxes. What I don’t agree with is the human equivalent of a wrinkly big toe being the overlord of my uterus and student loan accounts. What the hell is Alisha supposed to do with Planned Parenthood stops funding free birth control? I don’t think we’re in the market for a house baby.
Plus, we still share a love of men—fraternity men. Liberal guys are just too hard to chase after. The Bernie bros were just never my style. Not just any man is willing to chug from an ass crack, but somehow, it’s all the Republicans. They’ll buy you an entire boat of sushi just to prove that they’ve got the money to do it, and who am I to refuse? It isn’t selling out if the one percent is willing to wine and dine me.
Luckily for our sisterhood, the election is over on November 8th and we can all finally go back to talking about the Real Housewives or predicting how long Rob and Chyna will actually stay together. Now that I can accept some of your political theories, you can accept my liberal ways and my bid to become T-Shirt Chair for our chapter. And if the world ends and Donald Trump becomes the president of our country, so help me God, I will make sure you all get the Trumpette t-shirts you’ve been wanting all along.
Now that is true bi-partisanship.