Across the decades, carnivorous squirrels have ravaged the ankles and stolen the sandwiches of students on LSU’s campus—and students are sick of it. In a desperate attempt to lower the percentage of students killed per semester by squirrels, LSU students have formed a squirrel fighting ring to lower the campus squirrel population.
Late Tuesday evening, Officer Mark Delaney from LSUPD responded to a noise complaint and stumbled upon hundreds of LSU students smoking cigars and betting money on which squirrel would prevail over the others in a series of fight-to-the-death style rodent battles.
When asked his initial reaction to coming across this situation, Delaney responded, “I always knew millennials were different. But I never knew they could be capable of something like this. I feared for my life.”
When freshman Kyle Stanford was taken in for questioning after being found at the scene of the fighting ring he had this to say of the event: “Fuck those squirrels, man. We were sick of this. Sick of turning every corner only to find another headless Barbie with squirrel teeth marks on its neck. We’re not the enemy here, someone needed to do something about those tiny demons.”
As far as what actually goes on at the squirrel fights, a source that wishes to remain anonymous claims that, “It’s a lot of scratching, for sure. Definitely a lot of blood, sweat, and dirty money. And an alarming amount of squirrel piss.”
LSU Police are working day in and day out to find anyone involved in these campus squirrel-brawls and a way to eliminate squirrels once and for all so something this tragic never has to happen again. Until then, watch your ankles, Tigers.
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