In a sweeping victory for non-partisan factification, leaks suggest that Donald Trump planted a fake news story to undermine a stray reporter fighting against the tide of righteousness that billows from his every gaping pore. The unquestionably real-ish story appeared in the Washington Examiner, implying that Politico reporter Alex Isenstadt “laughed” at news of a Navy Seal’s death.
The “fact” that this article was released six hours after Isenstadt and Annie Karni wrote an unflattering report of Press Secretary Sean Spicer has been examined by White House officials. It has been confirmed to have no bearing or connection to this plane of reality.
“This rearrangement of material-based theoretical happenings is a boom-boom for eradicating fake news and replacing it with truth-adjacent, artificially-enhanced American news,” exclaimed Spicer. “You know it’s American because it comes straight from the White House. Not like that bothersome free press everyone keeps blathering on about.”
With the fake news press banished back to the pits of truth and integrity, sources say nothing now stands in the way of Trump deciding the validity of all facts and wishing on his own opinion very, very hard.
“Some naysayers have said this approach is dictatorial, or Hitlerian” said Spicer, carefully aiming an AK-47 into the crowd of writers gathered to witness his decree. “We like to think of it a deflation of the truth-based economy. If only two producers– reality and common sense– have a monopoly on truth, Americans may not be able to find facts that appeal directly to them. That’s why this administration has stepped in to provide simple, direct patronization. It’s the not-unmisinformation you crave from the ‘president you continue to tolerate©!’”
Among the Un-American facts to be destroyed are histories on the rise of Nazism, the dangerous and recently renamed book series Harry Potter and the Dangers of Thought, and new scientific reports suggesting that the President is a sentient fungus grown from a 10-year-old jar of salsa con queso.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.