The latest PR blunder by United Airlines occurred Tuesday when, in attempt to reverse the company’s luck, they sacrificed Simon the Giant Rabbit.
“The Blood God Khorne was to favor us upon the sacrifice of this foul beast,” United CEO Oscar Munoz stated to the press, “until you slovenly fools caught wind of our plan. No matter, His thirst must be slaked.”
The rabbit, measuring over 3 feet in length, was destined for Chicago prior to the sacrifice.
“Blood for the Blood God!” United President Scott Kirby screamed, exiting a jetway in O’Hare Terminal 1, his shirt caked red, “his favor will be bestowed upon us!”
Following an incident in which 2 young girls were denied service for wearing leggings, and another incident in which Dr. David Dao was forcefully removed from his flight, the airline became desperate for a turn in public opinion.
“The Gods of Chaos are fickle, and Khorne is no different,” Kirby lamented, “though, no sacrifice is too great to earn his favor! We will be offering a free flight to Salt Lake City in his honor. Would you like a free voucher?”
Munoz declined to state whether the rabbit will be consumed in an orgy of blood and violence.