6 Things to Do in Baton Rouge If You’re Single on Valentine’s Day

author-pic at University of Arizona  

364 days out of the year, being single is the key to having a fun college experience. From racking up on free meals and drinks to never having to meet a single of your lover’s parents, “single” is the most desired relationship status of them all—except on Valentine’s Day. While all your friends and family are on dates at Outback, you’re half asleep on the couch watching the entirety of Friends for the 16th time. This year, it’s time to spice up what your solo V-Day consists of. Here are some ways to go about the sexiest day of the year:

6.) Ask Jesus Talks guy on a date:

The Jesus Talks man is arguably one of the most attentive listeners on the planet. He’s the only one willing to listen to hours and hours of bullshit spewed from the hungover mouths of born-again virgins, and he’s most likely the only one to go on an impromptu Valentine’s date with you.

5.) Cry on the ground in the Middleton CC’s:

There are few things on this campus, or on earth, that are more depressing than the quality of the coffee in the Middleton CC’s. The burnt hair flavored lattes of the coffeehouse in Club Mid are the beverage equivalent to being single on Valentine’s Day. This February 14th, walk up to order, but instead throw yourself on the ground to cry until the sweet sounds of security guards guide you to rise and face the day.

4.) Eat candy hearts in an empty Blue Bayou slide:

Heart-shaped chunks of chalk, dry-rotted water slides covered in Band-Aids, and loneliness—what more could you ask for on V-Day? The only place dark, damp, and desolate enough to spend your solo Valentine’s Day is most likely on an empty water slide in Louisiana’s shittiest amusement park—Blue Bayou.

3.) Camp out under the bridge:

Fill your Ford Focus with boxes of wine and buckets of gas station chicken wings, it’s going to be a long and lonely camping trip under the finest of Baton Rouge’s bridges.  As you lay on your back under the bridge, think about all the people passing above you, and how they most likely are spending Valentine’s Day with someone other than the feral cats of East Baton Rouge Parish.

2.) Steal art from the Design Quad:

Nothing could make your empty apartment even more melancholy than it already is than adding a Shaq-sized steel chair that is virtually impossible to sit in. The stale air of your one-bedroom mixed with the grim shadow the chair casts upon your living room is sure to end your solo Valentine’s Day on the appropriate note.

1.) Black out in the Dodson Hall fountain:

Let the ethereal sights and sounds of the mildly concerned onlookers of the quad guide your Valentine’s Day in the right direction. As the night winds down, keep on chugging that handle of absinthe. At this point in your day, hallucinating fire-breathing beavers is still better than facing your lonely reality.

Hopefully you’re able to make it through every item on the list, as they are all guaranteed ways to have a blast on your own on February 14th.  From crying into your gas station chicken wings to eventually blacking out in the Dodson Fountain, this will undoubtedly be the best Valentine’s Day of your life.

How would YOU break up with someone on V-day?