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So You’re a Virgin Loser? Here’s How Not to Be

 

In many societies, laying pipe is a right of passage for men and women alike, but in this day and age it’s hard to find a willing participant if you’re not Eros himself. Maybe you’re waiting for marriage, or maybe you just don’t care, but for the people who feel like their virginity is holding them back from being #1, here are a few steps to laying claim to someone else’s downstairs

 

Step 1: Wash Yo’self!:

Literally no one wants to be with a stank-ass, so invest in some Bath and Body Works, your favorite kind of deodorant, and toothpaste. You’ll smell good and maybe if you shower regularly, your face will clear up so you might even look good! No one wants to ride a dirty pony, and you’re no exception. Being clean and somewhat attractive really helps in the touchin’ a boobie department. Soon you’ll notice people actually glance your way and that’s one step closer to finding poon.

 

Step 2: Go to a Party:

If you’ve ever seen any movie, watched any show, or opened your damn eyes, you’d know people get laid at parties. All. The. Time Now you can too! Talk to people, get a friend to introduce you to someone, whatever it takes to even get to know someone.

Parties have a lot of potential bang-buddies, beer, and maybe drugs. While we’re not saying you (or your partner) need to be high or drunk to sex, we’re saying it’ll help calm your nerves and make you more pleasant to be around. Let’s face it, you’re not for everyone.

 

Step 3: Use God’s Gift to the World: The Internet:

This means start a Tindr, an OkCupid, a Match.com, something to get your body to the masses and let the world know it’s ready for penetrating or penetration. Get a friend or pay a stranger to write your profile for you so you don’t seem like a D&D dweeb and start clicking and swiping through profiles to find your match. If you’re lucky, your future fwb will come to you! If you’re not lucky…go back to steps 1 and 2.

Step 4: Become a Master of Seduction:

Do you think Leonardo DiCaprio popped out da womb hookin’ up with models? No, he learned the ins-n-outs of getting it in and out from those with more experienced (plus money helps too). Ask anyone you know who gets plenty of booty to see if you can get in on their secret.

Maybe it’s confidence – you gotta act like you’re great at everything to score some tail. Maybe it’s the Googled pick-up lines. Maybe it’s a sock shoved into the crotch of your pants. The point is, find someone who knows what he/she is doing and take notes on technique and stamina. Soon you too will no longer have to lie when your roommate wants to compare little black books.

Step 5: Accept Your Fate:

This step is the saddest and perhaps most realistic depending on your face, voice, smell, and everything else. No one wants to jump your bones – sometimes that’s just a fact of life. All you can do is wait. Well, and lie. Lie like no one else has before but make sure they’re believable. Say you slept with someone down the hall last week or that you went on the best blind date. Soon you’ll be telling everyone and once everyone knows how many people you’ve theoretically banged, they’ll what a piece of that hot, hot, slut cake. Sometimes, lying really is the only solution.

 

Hopefully these 5 steps get you laid somewhere down the line – hopefully it only takes one or two of them to finally put you in the down ‘n’ dirty club. Either way, you can finally earn that trusted backslap from your dad or at least have a story to tell your gal pals about how it was “only this big.”

 

For those about to bid, we salute you:

 

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