18-Year-Old Has “Time of His Life”¯ at Perrys Stage, Lollapalooza

 

Fresh out of high school, 18-year-old Jason Dove had what he considered “the fucking best time of [his] life” after spending all three days of Lollapalooza at the EDM-centric Perry’s Stage. After skipping out on 7 other stages filled with a variety of different genres the festival has to offer, Dove claimed that he wouldn’t have even thought of “raging” anywhere else.

Dove kicked off the weekend on Friday clad in brown-fringed Sperry’s, cargo shorts with a Rasta-colored hemp belt and a black cutoff with neon letters spelling out “MY GIRLFRIEND’S NAME IS MOLLY” as he entered the festival gates. After getting past the relatively lax security, he spent the next two hours of the festival bragging aloud about how he pulled off the deceptively difficult challenge of sneaking weed into a festival of over 300,000 people.

“No seriously, I can’t believe it,” bragged Dove to an inattentive stranger on his way to fill up his water bottle. “Like, I didn’t get patted down or anything. Dumb pigs didn’t even know I had my babies all packed and ready to go,” he continued as he pulled out his four crotched dime bags. 

After having his marijuana confiscated shortly thereafter, Dove made his way to Perry’s by following the earth-shattering bass and lines of college-aged concert goers dressed like kindergarteners who wore the shit out of the “Make Believe” box in the classroom. 

During Timeflies’ set, Dove preceded to move his hand up and down until the song’s hook, then contorted his body and flailed his arms around like a rude epileptic unaware of his surroundings. Fans in the immediate vicinity of Dove strayed away from his path of destruction in admiration of his raving prowess, so he says.

Once Flux Pavilion came on, Dove decided to “get the real party started” and purchased psychedelics from a flip-flopped gentleman who was wearing a teddy bear hood in near 80 degree weather. Dove claimed that the dealer had sold him “the most based fucking X he’s ever had” and that he spent the rest of the set literally rolling around near-naked in the mud while getting into the way of a girl with a hula hoop studded with enough LED lights to decorate 6 Christmas trees. The two of them hooked up afterwards in front of the Kidzapalooza stage.

Ecstasy? Oh, God, no,” said the Jesus-doppleganging drug dealer. “Those were leftover Smarties from Halloween. I just go to these shows all of the time to sell ‘pills’ to ‘free-spirited’ kids who claim they want to ‘free their mind and enhance the experience.’ The only thing that dude was rolling on was his bare back and an over-inflated ego.”

After being on “the most intense trip of his life,” Dove somehow wandered off from Steve Aoki’s set to The Killers where he started toting his tiny flask filled with his father’s Grey Goose vodka that he was, again, “totally fucking shocked” that security didn’t find crammed against his testicles. While playing songs off of their most recent Battle Born album, Dove began drunkenly shouting out the lyrics to 2003’s “Mr. Brightside” and vomiting on fans trying to enjoy the band. 

“I honestly don’t know why I keep going to festivals,” said 25-year-old Dennis Mason who had been a Killers fan since Hot Fuss was released. “Every year more kids who can’t handle themselves come out and act like complete and total assholes and ruin the experience for everyone else. These were the only three days I could request off for work. All these kids have to do when they get home is bitch at their parents because mommy’s credit card expired from buying too many tickets to Congress Theater shows. I don’t like complaining, but this is-“

Midway through his rant, Mason was shoved by Dove who was incessantly screaming “HAS ANYONE SEEN MY GIRLFRIEND MOLLY???” before returning to Perry’s before passing out and soiling his already sweat-drenched shorts. Dove was retrieved and brought to his group’s hotel by two girls painted as a black-and-white yin yang and a man wearing nothing but neon fig leaves and a backpack filled with confetti and New Year’s streamers.

For the next two days, Dove remained in the hotel room sun-burnt and incredibly ill due to an unsurprising mixture of heat stroke and binge drinking. Whenever he got the chance, Dove would announce that this was actually all caused by “rolling his fucking face off.” Missing the next two days of the festival, Dove effectively wasted approximately $200 of his parent’s money.

“I’m absolutely going back next year,” prided Dove as he lay dormant in his bed unable to move a muscle. “Next to EDC, this was the single greatest experience of my life.” 

 

 
 
 
 
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