2011-2012 Illini Basketball Preview
- Written by Staff
- November 30, 2011
With Ron Zook and his band of goofs cleaning out the morale of this school faster than a Sunday morning bacon burger on the bus, Ole Johnny here’s got a treat for ya, basketball! We set our sighrs to the 2011-2012 men’s basketball season here at the University of Illinois. Ya know, if this season’s defined by one word, I’d say it’s “hopefultude.” Now, based on everything I know about basketball, the fine coaching staff, including the ever delicious-sounding Bruce Weber, have been grilling up quite a lineup. Now I don’t much believe in stats, but the one that jumps out at me is their above-average tall-per-game! Tall is good. The closer to the net, the easier it is to score. And you score by putting the round ball in the round hole! Betcha didn’t know that!
What really disturbs me, though, are the “unseen” problems with this roster, problems most broadcasters wouldn’t even be able to see. I’ll take you through the roster and point out the major issues and tell you why this team is doomed to fail worse than a turducken at a PETA event.
0-Sam Maniscalco, 6’0”
Now, right off the bat we’re having some pretty serious issues. With Sam, the problem is that he’s been given number 0. Right there you’re telling this young kid that he’s a failure. Ask me, he should ask about changing his number to “Hero.”
1-D.J. Richardson, 6’3”
Son, what kind of a name is “D.J.”? H-H-I mean, this isn’t the Grammys! Take those headphones off and get in the game, young man!
2-Joseph Bertrand, 6’5”
According to Betrand’s bio, he was elected prom king in high school. Now what worries me is that this kind of ego fuel is going to get to young Joe’s head. Basketball isn’t prom, though I did think both were about putting balls into holes until my mid-thirties.
3-Brandon Paul, 6’4”
My scouting guy says this Taurus, born April 30, might be an asset to the team, what with his creative and gregarious character. However, what troubles me is that he might not be very compatible with Kevin Berardini, the stubborn-yet-loyal Leo on the team.
4-Crandall Head, 6’4”
Now, don’t get me wrong, this Crandall boy seems like a perfectly good kid. Hell, he’s probably gonna score a lot of basket points this season. The problem, to me, though, is that all of the other players are going to be making fun of his name. Hell, how couldn’t you?! Example: “Crandall, get your Head in the game!” POW. There is only so much abuse this young man can take before it affects his game.
12-Meyers Leonard, 7’1”
Remember what I said about the importance of having players with a lot of tall on your team? Well holy guacamole! I’m getting vertigo just thinking about this guy!
13-Tracy Abrams, 6’1”
Now, don’t get me wrong, Johnny’s all for sexual equality in life. I believe that women are mentally, emotionally and intellectually on the same playing field as men. However, I’m just not too sure about the decision to allow a woman to be on this roster. That’s all there is to it.
15-Mike Shaw, 6’8”
I see we got a freshman here! There’s no reason this should affect his game that is if he can manage a week without missing a bus and crying himself to sleep.
20-Myke Henry, 6’6”
Kid can’t even spell his name right! One time when I fell asleep after eating an entire 30-inch buffalo chicken pizza challenge by myself I woke up and forgot how to drive a car or who my kids were. But misspelling “Mike?” Something must be wrong in that kid’s head!
21-Devin Langford, 6’7”
According to this young man’s bio, he is currently enrolled in the college of Liberal Arts and Sciences. I would say that if this hippie could stop passing the dutchie on the left hand side and put his Joan Baez records down for two minutes he might be a valuable asset to the team.
23-Ibby Djimde, 6’8”
This is why I do’t trust computers, only my trusty telestrator. Sometimes you type in “Franklin Burgeot” and out comes “Ibby Djimde.”
25-Jean Selus, 6’2”
Two women on this team?! What next, they’re going to be able to vote?
32-Nnanna Egwu, 6’11”
Nanna Egwu is a wonderful basketball player. Many say he’s the Brett Favre of college basketball. Total gamer! Not too bad on the eyes, either, if I do say so. I wonder what Brett’s doing right now…
42-Tyler Griffey, 6’8”
Oh boy, we got a junior on our hands. When the ole’ missus popped out our fourth daughter I couldn’t help but name her John Madden Jr. Hasn’t spoken to me in years. Can’t say I really trust this junior either.
44-Kevin Berardini, 6’8”
You see, folks, here you got a guy who likes to play a little b-ball. I used to be the same way before both of my legs were crushed by my immense girth. One too many Philly cheese steaks, know what I mean? I see a bright future in this Kevin kid, I really do. If he can make a bunch of baskets during each game, he’ll probably be a good player for the Illini.
With a squad of fine young men, I don’t see how this team can do anything but succeed! Just line ‘em up 9 wide, hit that tall guy on a fading post and eat up all the victory turducken you they can shove into their foodholes! Pass the gravy, Wanda!