2016 Summer Olympics Suggestions
- Article by Maddie Rosenthal
- August 7, 2012
Since the 2012 Summer Olympics began in London on July 27th, the games have been on every news station, a part of every AP alert, and mentioned in every tweet on every timeline everywhere. This is all peachy, but let’s face it, we’ve seen all these sports before, many, many times, and they’re getting old. Wasn’t there enough basketball hype in March? Track was fun until Usain Bolt made his competitors look like high school girls on the junior varsity team. And no one should be excited for field hockey. Like, ever. Swimming is still all right though, because a stoner remains a world champ. Instead of these run-of-the-mill-seen-them-a-thousand-times-and-I’m-bored-to-tears events, perhaps the 2016 Olympics, held in Brazil’s Rio de Janeiro, can feature several events never before seen in an Olympic arena (and in some cases never before seen anywhere at all). Hey, there should be something for everyone.
Javelin catching: How hard could it possibly be to throw a stick? Instead, catching said “stick,” which is actually an eight-foot, two-inch spear, could be interesting. This event would require some ballsy, have-no-fear competitors. We’re talking no armor, bare hands, die-trying type shit. The audiences’ attention would be directed 200-300 feet away from the javelin throwers to the new athletes waiting(probably twiddling their thumbs) to catch the son-of-a-bitch. With the graphic nature of this sport, HBO may have to pick it up.
Burka beach volleyball: It seems wildly unfair that certain countries are unable to compete based strictly on the uniform. Hell, a Saudi Arabian judo athlete was barely allowed to wear her headscarf. So, burka beach volleyball is born! It’s played just like it sounds: Instead of teams wearing bikinis (we get it, you have a bangin’ body) the women will wear burkas. The hot-as-balls she-tent makes it damn near impossible to sprint and dive across sand, providing added elements of difficulty. Let the games begin!
Drive-by shooting: Kim Rhode made Olympic history in skeet shooting when she hit 99 out of 100 clays. That’s impressive. But, would she be able to pull off the same victory in a moving car using a MAC-10? Doubt it.
HORSE: This wouldn’t be your typical backyard pick-up game. Imagine a game with a very limited amount of rules. We’re talkin’ trampolines, pogo sticks, the whole nine yards. The United States already has assembled a team: The Harlem Globetrotters.
Field sobriety test: Just like in gymnastics, the Olympic field sobriety test would offer a higher score for a routine’s higher degree of difficulty. In this event, the more wasted you are, the bigger your reward. Each athlete has to blow over .08. There is no maximum. From there, competitors will say the alphabet backwards as fast as possible, walk in a straight line, and of course, compete in the one-legged stand. May the drunkest man win!
With the addition of these events the Olympic Games could turn a new leaf by appealing to an entirely new audience. A new breed of athletes would be born. They would be drunk, they would be hood rich, they would be bloody, and they would be fucking awesome.