52 Things That Could Be Worse Than Illini Football

 

Like any dominant partner in abusive relationship, Illini football got their act together for a little bit before it decided to punch the fanbase straight in the ovaries before kicking it down a flight of stairs. Last Saturday’s 52-24 defeat at the hands of Louisiana Tech was an orchestra of incompetence that Champaign hasn’t seen since the early era of The Zooker. The bad times are back, everyone! In honor of such a herculean effort at ineptitude, we’ve put together a list of 52 things that could actually be worse than Illinois football. Enjoy.

 

- You could be Mrs. Beckman’s sidepiece, and now she just won’t stop texting you.

- Brother Jeb could convert to Scientology and start condemning all psych majors to a fiery afterlife in the volcanoes of Xenu.

- President Easter could be replaced by President President’s Day.

- Grandma walking in on you masturbating in your dorm room, instead of your basement.

- Having two tests - one on prohibition and the other on Irish history - during Unofficial.

- The Champaign Police could blow up kegs at parties with underage kids using that robot that shoots lightning.

- You could be the Illini Tower RA.

- The beer companies could stop producing green beer for Unofficial, and instead produce brown beer – yuck!

- You could be hungover and stuck in the middle of a really long row in lecture and be forced to puke in your backpack. Then your backpack could say, “Tacos for breakfast again, chubby?”

- “Hey, let’s talk about politics.”

- The Silver Bullet could be a shitty dive bar for werewolf hunters, as opposed to a shitty strip club for meth addicts.

- Za's could make their menu even more confusing, causing the store to spontaneously combust…again.

- Satan and his minions could finally gain a majority share in CPM.

- The University of Illinois could replace Chief Illiniwek with Chief Keef.

- “LOL” could stand for “Livin’ our lives!” and it would be like, an even worse amalgamation of the current “LOL” and “YOLO.”

- You could be an Asian exchange student being forced to read a passage in discussion despite your poor English skills while everybody looks at you funny.

- We could be the ones existing in the bad alternate reality, where living in the Six Pack gives everyone the freshman fifteen, instead of the opposite.

- Local indie rock band Santah could be the new halftime show mainstay.

- You could be a campus tour leader who actually likes their job.

- You could pound a pitcher only to realize the beer was really skunky and then puke right back in the pitcher and give that pitcher to a friend who is so drunk he doesn’t realize it’s puke and he pours himself a glass and takes a chug and then he pukes and then you puke and then the whole place smells like puke so everyone leaves.

- The Alma Mater could actually come back as the Alma Pater, if you know what we’re sayin’.

- Sorority girls canning on the Quad could begin employing the homeless men soliciting on Green Street to do their jobs for them.

- Merry Ann's could change to Mary Anne’s, a late-night wrestling club for elderly women that only accepts drunken walk-ins as challengers.

- Instead of sweet corn, Champaign could be famous for sour corn.

- An engineering student could take the time to explain why your major is pointless after he guilt trips you into giving him his first handjob.

- You could have a 9a.m. in the Animal Sciences Lab when it's raining out and all your friends are dead.

- Your trained army of squirrels could start to question your leadership.

- You could get your arm torn off trying to open the UGL's front door.

- More douchebag frat bros could move to Urbana.

- More loser GDIs could move to the senior house area.

- You could just want to "cut across" Frat Park on game day, but you're a naked Victoria's Secret model.

- Mom could have to give you a ride to get Plan B from McKinley.

- You could own an iPad at Espresso Royale.

- You could be walking alongside someone and then accidentally touch their hand as you swing your arm.

- The LEX bus company and Suburban Express bus company could decide to take their fight to the interstate, in a Mad Max-style pursuit of glory.

- You could have been a girl who was accidentally diarrhea’d on while dancing at the Red Lion, and no one believed you.

- The tight-rope walkers on the quad could decide to go Phillipe Petit on 309 Green and Tower at Third.

- Someone could found a Juggalo Club RSO.

- The cops could dedicate 100% of their resources on stopping underage drinking, instead of just 90% of their resources.

- It could be Illini basketball season.

- The new Wendy’s being built on campus could decide to start being staunchly homophobic for some reason. Then you’d have to go there alone, as opposed to with your friends, you bigot.

- There could be a day every year when people decide that making jokes about the long walk signal on Sixth and John is still funny.

- One more group of fraternity brothers could decide to start one more damn Sublime cover band.

- Bruce Weber could be in charge of your wardrobe. He wouldn’t let you shop for any of it in Chicago.

- Second Story Pizza and White Horse could switch management in an attempt to see which business can close fastest.

- The University of Illinois’ Memes Facebook page could experience a renaissance.

- You could actually be from Ruston, Louisiana.

- The Daily Illini could write an article about your frat and then your frat goes on probation. Then you invite the guy over to a party as you plan to beat him up, but instead he brings you some homemade flan and now you’re all best friends.

- You could forget to pay the energy bill, so your water is, you know, cold.

- Illini games could be officiated by NFL referees, and the Illini could still lose every game by thirty fucking points.

- The “Help Stop Violence” guy could kick your ass for refusing to take one of his fliers.

- You call for a SafeRide but the operator tells you that you’re too close to a bus station. You get hit by a car and die while waiting for the bus.

- Ron Zook could actually be an evil genius who’s behind this whole goddamn thing.

 

 
 
 
 
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