A Baseball Virgin’s Guide to the Stadium

• Article by Kate Waxler
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• |
• May 9, 2012
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• Indiana University

Smell that freshly cut grass, put on those backwards caps, and get ready to rep your city; baseball season is finally upon us. Between the endless amounts of hot dogs, Roger the peanut guy throwing you bags from five rows down, and Old Style flowing endlessly into your cups, this is the greatest sporting season there is.  

Whether you keep up with the Cubs’ sickening record or if you can’t tell the difference between shortstop and third base, attending a baseball game is fun for everyone. Who wouldn’t enjoy spending the day in the sun, drinking a brew all while listening to “Sweet Caroline” on repeat? For all you baseball virgins, I’ve broken down the main happenings of each section in the stadium. Hopefully this way you won’t feel like the first time you attempted sex: confused, awkward and unsure how to slide into home plate.

BLEACHER SEATS: Raise your cups and be ready to have ‘em filled the entire game. These seats are reserved for those who not only enjoy the game, but also rage throughout it. Finding a sober fan in the bleachers is like finding a glass of water during a Little 500 pregame: never going to happen. All you need is a little bit of sun, a cold cup of beer and some rowdy fans to make this day one for the books. Virgin tip: balls will be hit in your direction so be prepared. Avoid using your teeth to catch them and keep your hands at the ready. 

BEHIND THE PLATE: You better be dressed to the nines for these seats because you’ll be getting some serious ESPN face-time. This is where the high rollers sit. You’re all up in the players’ business and can practically smell the sweat. Ladies, I know the real reason why we love this sport: baseball players have the best asses. If this is your favorite part of the sport, then stick to these seats. They have the best view in town of Jeter, Kemp and every other baseball sex god. Virgin tip: this is the best place to learn how to slide into home and how to handle a bat. Keep your eyes peeled.

BOX SEATS: Usually boxes are reserved for ritzy companies trying to impress their lame clients, so if you get lucky enough to snag one of these seats consider it a big win. Who wouldn’t enjoy some delicious complementary stadium food, private seating and the life-changing dessert cart? Not to mention the superb people watching that you can do on the weirdos at the game. That superfan decked out in the team’s memorabilia head-to-toe, topped off with foam finger? He will have no idea who’s pelting him with popcorn from this angle. Virgin tip: getting it from behind is something of a shock to most, make sure to let others know if you’re open to multiple positions.  

SECOND LEVEL: Here is where you’re going to run into families and little kids, so try and keep it PG, Hoosiers. Dads taking their little nuggets to their first ball game are the cutest things. That is until the little shit starts crying his eyes out over a flipping rally towel. This section is also where the players’ wives usually sit. These pretty little ladies are easy to spot by their rockin’ bodies, Lilly Pulitzer dresses and the baseball-sized diamonds on their left hands. Virgin tip: if you’re trying to get laid after the game, this is NOT the place to sit.

When it comes to the actual game, keep nodding, smiling and jumping up every time the crowd does - you’ll fool anyone into believing you actually know what the hell is going on. Virgins, I hope these tips will help you a bit more comfortable when rounding the bases yourselves. Happy baseball season!