A Keg’s Viewpoint on Unofficial

• Article by John McHoneyCombs
• 
• |
• March 1, 2012
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• TAGS:
• Illinois,
• Drinkage

Oh boy, finally I’ve been chosen by the almighty gods of the liquor store. At last, my supply of rich, full Keystone shall satiate the thirst of all the classy bros and girls of Champaign. My destiny is finally about to be fulfilled. 

Whoa, not cool guys! You buy me and then you just leave me on your porch for five days? I think a pigeon crapped on me yesterday. Oh well, I see that tap in your hand, so I know that now it’s time for some lovin’. I finally get to be the life of the party. Wait dude, are you already drunk? What the hell? It’s not even 9 a.m. yet. Ouch, that’s not how the tap goes on! Read the damn instructions, you moron! It’s upside down! Oh great, now there’s an air leak and half my delicious Keystone will be foam. Freshman! Freshman! Freshman!

Man, these people are really goin’ at it. It’s not even noon yet and everyone is wasted. There sure is a lot of green at this place. What’s this fat guy doing? Why does he have his hands on my edges, and what are those guys behind him doing with his legs? Oh Jesus, no! Gah. So. Heavy. Put him down dammit, I can’t breathe! Oh my god, I think he just put a dent in me. 

These people are absolutely nuts. The other kegs never told me it would be like this! I’ve been kicked, punched, and had nothing but fat guys do handstands on me. Oh wait a second, hot blonde coming my way at three o’clock. Hey there, beautiful, I wouldn’t mind you doing a handstand on me. Why are you leaning over me with that weird look on your face? Oh sick nasty! She just puked green shit all over the tap. I still had a quarter barrel of Keystone left. Why would you do that to me? Oh lord, it smells like chicken fries and bad decisions. God, this is the worst day of my life.

Jesus, hear my prayer: I just want to go home! They won’t stop tossing me into walls and slipping on the girl’s vomit right next to me. They have to pass out soon, what time is it? Only 2:30? How is that even possible? Wait, what’s that banging at the door? Oh sweet salvation, the police are here. They’ll put an end to this debauchery. What does that guy mean his lease doesn’t allow for me to be here? Wait, what are you doing? Put me down! No not off the balcony! For the love of god nooooooooooooo!

Oooh, where am I? How could that asshole just toss me off their balcony like that? God damn, there’s a lot of shit down here: beer cans, glass, bras, and is that a homeless man? Why are you shaking me? Oh no, tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re planning on doing.

Well, I have to say I definitely underestimated the classiness of these homeless people. They actually treat me right and don’t care that someone puked on the tap. This is the kind of respect that I deserve! Hey guys, why won’t this one guy stop staring at me? No sir, I don’t think I’m better than you now just calm down. Sir, please calm down. Whoa, what’s with the knife? There’s no need for-gah! Oh God, I’m bleeding out my precious Keystone. Why’s everyone laughing? What the hell is wrong with you people? I suppose this is the end, farewell my friends. You have out-partied me.