A Sig Epís Review of Monsterís University


0/5 Stars

All right, so, remember when Pixar released Monster’s Inc. way back in 2000-whatever? I remember heading straight from my little league game to watch that shit in theaters. It had John Goodman and that guy that looks like Rob Schneider, except they were monsters who had to, like, scare kids and stuff to get energy for the monster world. Except they totally find out later that making kids laugh is more “efficient” or whatever, which I thought was kind of a pussy way to end the movie, but whatever. Either way, it was pretty chill.

But then Pixar comes out like, 10 years later and they’re all like, “Sup, guys. We’re gonna make a prequel called Monster’s University that’s gonna show all the crazy shit that Mike and Sulley did in college.” So, I’m immediately like, holy shit, right? Pixar’s going to basically make an animated version of Animal House, except crazier since monsters aren’t real people or anything, you know? They don’t have to abide by the laws of physics or whatever or any of that restrictive shit humans have to put up with.

But is that what Pixar gave us? Nooooooo. Instead, they just gave us some shitty kids movie again and totally misrepresented the entire image of college and the Greek system, which is a pretty low blow coming from some artsy fartsy bitches who went to school to major in art or something useless. It’s pretty obvious that nobody at Pixar has ever set foot into a real university, and every single inaccurate instance of college life that surfaced during the movie caused me to cry out to John Belushi for forgiveness. It’s fucking bullshit, and here’s why:

So, the thing opens up with some Polack, Mike Wazowski, who’s the little green one-eyed thing that I guess is supposed to resemble Billy Crystal, and how he wants to go to Monster’s University to be a “scarer.” So what does he do? He ends up getting into MU (looks like Missouri University’s acronym, doesn’t it? Real fucking inventive there, Pixar) and enters as a “scaring” major. And boom, my first whistle goes off. A scaring major? Seriously? In what lame-ass university does a “scaring” major actually exist? Do you see any employers barking up the trees of Ivy League schools for graduates who can scare people? That’s what we have mortuary science majors for (sorry, Brad, it’s true, bro). Thin ice already, Dixar…

So fast-forwarding a bit, Mike is basically destined to be a loser GDI from the get-go and decides to spend his first day at school studying. Again, what the hell? When I first got to college, I… well, come to think of it, I don’t even remember my first week here. But point taken bro, am I right? I’m sure the hacks at Pixar are able to put so much detail into their practically shat-out movie because they stayed in instead of grabbing university by the horns and binge drinking until their livers and kidneys simultaneously gave out, racking up a school record for largest combined hospital/property damage bill since ’86. Yeah, you dipshits have no idea about that life.

Anyway, that’s Mike’s life until he meets Sulley, who is a furry blue monster that literally looks exactly like John Goodman, no bullshit. When he came on, I was like, “Oh, fucking finally. Shit’s about to get real,” until some bitch mom next to me told me to quiet down as if her kid’s haven’t heard the phrase “get real” before. Ridiculous. But anyway, Sulley storms onto the scene and is chill as all hell and doesn’t give two shits (like yours truly, aha). So Sulley and Mike befriend in some bizarre turn of events (Sulley has fratstar written all over him, rightfully so) and decide to go to their first frat party together. Should be the crowning achievement, right?

WRONG. SO GODDAMN WRONG. Ok, first off, there’s the weird-as-shit bird monster thing that is supposed to be, I don’t know, an important frat figure or something, and he’s a complete dumbass! Like, shouting all of the time and saying the dumbest shit…Pixar seriously created their most obnoxious character without even realizing they made him a frat brother. You want a modern day discrimination case? Here you go, Human Rights Campaign.

The party itself is where I drew the line and left the theater. You couldn’t see what the monsters were drinking (probably fucking apple juice because Disney’s CEO is just a life-sized talking pussy), nobody was being ground upon on the dance floor (I couldn’t even tell which chick monsters were supposed to be hot), and not a single fucking person brought bud along. Three strikes, and this Sig Ep’s out. But does Shitxar stop there? Of course not. After being rejected by the “cool” frat on campus (they’re all awesome, we don’t talk shit about other houses unless you’re from Lambda Alpha…bitch), Mike and Sulley go on this whole “we’re proud to be in our own made-up, no-hazing frat full of a bunch of inebriated animation artist mistakes” campaign dumb enough to appeal to even the most straight-edge GDI’s.

So, whatever, Pixar. Go ahead and spread your boldfaced lies to the rest of the family-entertainment world. I’ll be preaching the truth while your hate-infested frat-bash fest makes millions off of the ignorance of children under 5 and incoming freshmen alike.

Seriously, fuck you guys.


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