Alcohol Review: Andre Cold Duck

 

Grade: C

 

Overview

Typically we stick to hard liquor here at the The Black Sheep headquarters, but we decided that in celebration of our 244th issue we would get some champagne.  Cold Duck Andre is a purple drink, deemed “sparkling wine”.  Although starting your night off with a bottle of champagne is always a good idea, some say champagne can lead to a worse hangover. But some also say that cell phones give you cancer and eating wax gives you diarrhea, two things I have yet to experience.   Plus you’re going to feel terrible in the morning no matter what, so might as well look classy and fist a bottle of wine at that Christmas party this weekend.  People might say “Hey that kid is drinking wine, cool”. And now you’re cool. Good job. 

 

History

I bet you want to know why its called Cold Duck, and I might have that answer for you.  Although I can assure you the real story is not as fun as the one I would make up, and it definitely won’t quack you up. So sparkling wine originated as an old German tradition of not wasting wine by collecting all the dregs of unfinished wine bottles with champagne. Then, if you’re still interested, they named this concoction Kaltes Ende ("cold end" in German).  Later some Germans, known for their humor, changed the name to Kalte Ente meaning "cold duck".  According to the drink’s rather bare Wikipedia page, “the exact recipe now varies, but the original combined one part of Californian red wine with two parts of New York sparkling wine.” So there you go, those are the facts. Nothing to do with filtering frozen duck blood and mixing it with Keystone. Nope, just a funny little play on words. I hope you’re happy. 

 

User Comments:

“Who got dat purple drank?”


“I wonder if Grimace ever drank sparkling wine? And I wonder if it was like drinking his own family.”

“How is champagne made? White grapes?”

 

Typical Drinkers

Huey, Duey, and Louie Duck, birthday girls!~, guys whose eyes are too spread apart, Benson’s lady friends, members of the Gwinnet Gladiators (the team that always loses to the Harlem Globetrotters)

 

Conclusion

Just stick to champagne. Cold duck is okay, but it’s pretty girly. So if your desperate to constantly prove your manhood, but want to get a little bubbly, you should duck away from Cold Duck. It’s purple with gold foil, and tastes too sweet if you’re like me and like to polish off a few bottles before passing out alone in your bed with a party hat propped on your erection. 

 

 
 
 
 
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