Alcohol Review: Big Flats 1901
- Article by Staff
- September 1, 2011
Overview: If you haven’t heard by now, Walgreens recently (if you consider December “recent”) came out with its very own brand of beer, and it goes by the name of Big Flats 1901. Big Flats is one of those things that’s nice because it’s so cheap, but doesn’t bring much else to the table, like a blank greeting card or a free bucket of urine. If Keystone Light is the beer for a baller on a budget, then Big Flats is the beer for a drinker with a debt. It doesn’t taste great but at $2.99 for a six-pack it doesn’t have to, so as long as you’re okay with admitting to yourself that Natty Light is out of your price range, then Big Flats is right up your alley. Oddly, Big Flats is only sold in six packs, and they aren’t refrigerated or even kept in the same aisle as the other beers, as if Walgreens is admitting their decision to get into the brewing business maybe wasn’t the best one they’ve ever made. But it’s beer, so if you give a Big Flats to a girl she’ll still find you just as attractive as if you had given her a can of Beer 30, and that’s all you can ask for, right?
History: Having “1901” in it’s name would make most people assume that Big Flats was first brewed in 1901. I have no idea if that’s the case because their website is about as informative as broken radios are for deaf people, but if it’s good enough for you, then it’s good enough for me. The website is actually worth checking out, it looks like it was designed in 1998 by a nine year old. I’ve seen old Tripod websites that look more professional than BigFlats1901.com (for example, look up Pigs15.tripod.com – you’re welcome for that). But that’s fine because Big Flats isn’t the type of beer you tell stories about, it’s the type of beer you drink as fast as you can in order to forget ever drinking it in the first place.
Typical Drinkers: Thieves, crooks, burglars, snatchers, bandits, scavengers, larcenists, kleptomaniacs, scroungers, and swindlers. Because Big Flats is a STEAL! Ha ha!
“This isn’t what I asked for.”
“Whatever, let’s just drink it, and we’ll stop being friends with him tomorrow.”
Conclusion: If you show up to a party with Big Flats in tow, you’re telling everyone 3 things. You’re cheap, very likely an alcoholic, and you have trouble navigating the aisles of Walgreens. But there are worse assumptions people could make about you. They could think you poop your pants recreationally, or that you think dead babies are the best kind of babies. I guess the lesson here is that if you want to drink Big Flats, make sure you show up to places with a friend who’s either more cheap, or mentally diseased, or sexually depraved than you are. Or you could just call [insert Black Sheep writer here] because he/she/I will drink anything that is put in front of him/her/me, including whatever you thought of first when you just read that. That’s right, even that.
With lemonade: C
With salt: C
With pure gasoline: Why?
With friends: C
Without friends: C-
With breakfast: C for ‘Champion’