Burnetts Fruit Punch Vodka Review


Grade: F-

Overview: I know The Black Sheep usually sticks to top shelf, expensive, finger-licking good alcohol, but once in a while we like to let our inner-freshman girl out. And by that I mean putting on our sluttiest skirts, taking pictures in bar bathrooms, and funneling flavored vodka down our throats until we’re puking and grinding all over each other. And for some reason we blew a frat guy to buy it for us.

History: Not much history to this alcohol. Old Randy Burnett was sitting in his conference room surrounded by his minions (I know because I was there). Since Randy doesn’t really make any money off his alcohol, most of his minions are just monkeys who throw fruit into a blender mixed with vodka, bottle it, and ship it to local businesses. Yes, these are some smart monkeys. You may ask, Burnett’s already has Blueberry, Cherry, Citrus, Coconut, Cranberry, Espresso, Grape, Lime, Mango, Orange, Peach, Pink Lemonade, Pomegranate, Raspberry, Sour Apple, Strawberry, Sweet Tea, Vanilla, and Watermelon, why would they need another flavor? Well, Randy wanted to top off his list with 20 flavors, and all the monkeys could come up with was monkey poop vodka.  Then, the smartest monkey, Chimpo, put all the fruit into a blender and Randy Burnett couldn’t refuse to add the 20th flavor.  Chimpo went on to start his own company, Chimpstillery Vodka.

Typical Drinkers: Chicks with dicks, migrant workers, Californians, kids who think they are drinking Kool-Aid, those same kids 18 years later who suffer from debilitating alcoholism, Champagne gang members, people who ride swan paddle boats.

Overview: If you like drinking and don’t like to pay a lot for it, then this is probably for you. If you are a girl under the age of 21, then you shouldn’t be drinking, but if you are, then this is probably what you can get some desperate bro to buy you. He’ll complain, but he’s probably already dead inside.

Mixer Center

7 Up – A

Coke – D

Tonic – D

Water Lime – C-

Taking poles – F

Surrounded by Dudes – F- 


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