Alcohol Review: Carlo Rossi Sangria


Grade: A-

Introduction: Carlo, on bargains; "My wine tastes great and saves you money." Aww, what a down to earth man who just loves to get drunk on the cheap. Kind of sounds like me and my friends. Like, "Hey guys, want to casually drink on the porch? I'm kind of running low on funds, I sort of spent it all on a dime sack and some boneless wings the other night." Sure, we could get a single bottle of cheap red or maybe some shitty beer, but instead we get a four liter jug of Carlo Rossi and are flabbergasted when it's empty, our lips are stained red, and we forgot about the movie we were supposed to go to. If only we could stumble to the store to get some more we would, be alas the most we can do is drunkenly order a pizza and continue our highly analytical conversation.

History: It's nearly impossible to tell what came first - the man behind the wine or the epic quotes. Some might say that he has been drinking wine since his feeble toddler hands could figure out how to uncork a bottle. Perhaps his mother put a little vino in his milk as a baby, or maybe he was just born with a "silver spoon of Chablis" in his mouth. Either way, it seems as though every time Carlo sits down with a glass of his infamous Red Sangria, he can't help but spill out the wisest of words. Like Carlo says, on being thrifty; "If you can't taste the difference, why pay the difference?" Or Carlo, on his party habits; "I like to talk about wine, but I'd rather drink it." Or Carlo, on sophisticated eating patterns; "My friends enjoy my wine as much with fried chicken or fish as they do with spaghetti." Such a classy man. 

Typical Drinker: Single 20-somethings, neurotic females, dudes who enjoy simplicity, people who shop at Salvation Army, those who substitute alcohol for their dinner, and old men who smoke cigarettes.

 User Comments:

 "When I've had a rough day, I like to make a nice stiff Sangria + Vodka."

"LOL I'm such a lightweight, half a glass of Carlo Rossi makes me start to talk about my nonexistent sex life!"

"Add in a lemon and strawberries and tell her that it's homemade Sangria. You'll definitely get laid, girls love thought and effort."

Overall Opinion: Okay, okay, I'll be honest. Carlo Rossi Red Sangria is not that great of a "wine." Sure, it is rather sweet like Sangria but it really more resembles a fruit punch than a red wine. However, fruit punch that gets you drunk is not a bad thing - at all - which is why drinking it is totally awesome. It's also most ideal for the summer time, with its drinkability and its extremely low price; split three ways, a jug of Carlo Rossi is $4 a person. So let's say it together, folks; "Recession proof." Maybe one day I'll have extra funds to make some homemade delicious Sangria or perhaps even buy something a little more refined, but until that day comes, I'm completely content with hanging out with my boy Carlo on the reg.


Mixer Station:

With Sprite - B

With Vodka - A-

Straight From The Jug - A-

A Little Bit Frozen - A++


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