American Families to Celebrate Thanksgiving Outside of Favorite Department Stores

 

With more and more department and electronics stores opening their doors for Black Friday shoppers earlier than ever before, families across the country will be holding their Thanksgiving dinners just outside of shopping centers everywhere, so long as they do not cross the roped-off queue. 

Several of these families have already begun reserving their dinner arrangements, with the south brick wall of Toys R’ Us and the ashtray outside of Best Buy providing the most popular seating areas. Most of these timeless Thanksgiving feasts are predicted to feature Hormel thin-cut deli turkey, Rockstar energy drinks, Crunchwrap Supremes from Taco Bell, Funyuns, and Little Debbie Zebra Cakes (just like grandma used to make). But for once, Thanksgiving isn’t just about the food, as families begin to rekindle within themselves the true meaning of the holiday.

“It’s really just about bringing the family together,”¯ said recently-divorced Brian Langman. “Thanksgiving is about buying things for the people you love just to see that special smile on their face. Plus, if I don’t get my son both an Xbox One and PS4 like I impulsively promised during a custody argument, I can kiss visitation rights goodbye.”¯ 

Other more heartwarming, less depressing images of this recent resurgence of the All-American family were more abundant, with mothers brewing hot chocolate for the kids and fathers watching over their placement in line like rabid hyenas ready to slash a cutter’s jugular at any given moment.  

“To be honest, we’ve always loved Thanksgiving more than any other holiday,”¯ commented neighborhood wonderdad Dan Rivers. “There are just so many things that Christmas can’t get you, like a Samsung 55”¯ 1080p 240Hz LED HDTV for just $730, or the entire Mummy series on DVD for $3. But most of all, I just like that the whole family can finally come together and spend time with each—hang on, I’m sorry. Hey, buddy? I tried to keep things civil, but if you try to cut my daughter in line one more time I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A FUCKING FISH IN FRONT OF YOUR ENTIRE GODDAMN FAMILY.”¯

After Rivers was arrested for aggravated assault with a retractable box opener, the rest of his family appropriately moved one more place in line while continuing their week-early Thanksgiving celebration. As the rest of the line moved up at the pace of frozen, shriveled earthworms, civility was maintained for another 10 minutes before another man’s face was forcibly seared with a George Foreman Grill when caught stealing price-matching ads from the family behind him. The family has safely secured their crumpled Wal-Mart electronics deals page from the assailant. 

Reports show that some families have even decided to begin their bountiful feasts an entire week early with plans to store the nutrients gained through hibernation so that losing their place line will be impossible. Holiday traffic has since tripled in normal road congestion with one dinged-up overloaded minivan for every three Pizza Hut delivery vehicles. Accidents are being reported as some of the most “deliciously smelling”¯ in recent history.

“I’ve already lost some of my best friends to reckless pre-holiday shoppers during these ridiculous delivery runs,”¯ lamented veteran Jimmy John’s delivery driver and self-proclaimed momma’s boy Kevin Bates. “Between wailing kids in the backseat and spouses arguing with each other because of a mutual hatred for each other’s in-laws, us delivery drivers have to treat every crossing of an intersection as our last. I also get the bulk of my location’s orders because people keep requesting delivery drivers with ‘Native American ancestry in their blood’ in the special instructions section for the sake of ‘reconnecting with our spiritual brothers of Thanksgiving’s past.’ I’m 1/16th Cherokee...”¯ 

Amidst these minor drawbacks to the Thanksgiving season, a select few Americans are choosing to stay indoors for the holiday, many believing that going out for Black Friday is absolutely ludicrous and more work than it’s worth. Instead, these individuals have their Cyber Monday computer rigs armed and ready to go for the impending online sales to follow. The most determined of the bunch have fully upgraded their PCs, purchased the most expensive high-speed internet connection from their provider, and had catheters and feeding tubes medically installed so the true meaning of Thanksgiving can still be ingested and properly excreted while researching possible upcoming deals.  

Back in the harsh, cold outdoor lines, however, many selfless parents are still ready to brave the holiday by putting their children first above all else.  

“I think the most rewarding part of a hearty Thanksgiving dinner lies in knowing that you’re able to provide nourishment for your kids,”¯ remarked soccer mom and community gossip initiator Debra Farren. “Because, as a parent, when you see your hungry kids losing the race to grab the cosmetics that mommy doesn’t have time to grab herself … it’s a little embarrassing. Luckily, my little Lucy is hyped up on enough Mountain Dew to give the DCFS a run for their money. Also, she does this cute thing where, if someone tries grabbing the last iPad Mini that mommy’s been eyeing, she screams ‘Stop! Don’t touch me, you’re not my mommy! Help!’ Sorry, I’m butchering it, but it’s absolutely adorable when she does it!”¯

Inside the actual stores themselves, some employers are also planning to provide Thanksgiving feasts for their employees as compensation for the usual maniacal laughter that follows when someone asks if they can take off for the holiday.

“Since we’re opening earlier and earlier every year, I always try to give my employees the Thanksgiving dinner that anyone working in retail deserves,”¯ proudly declared an Illinois Toys R’ Us manager Robert DuFrank. “I mean, some stores are actually opening Thanksgiving morning this time around, for goodness sake. I just don’t see how someone could be that greedy and heartless during the holidays.”¯

Toys R’ Us employees working Thanksgiving and Black Friday will be greeted by the “intoxicating, sweet-corn aromas”¯ of their dinners located in the employee lounge, with a microwave available for those who prefer their Thanksgiving dinners served lukewarm.

“Our boss just scrambles at the last minute and brings us a half-eaten turkey, stale stuffing, and a can of cranberry sauce left over from his family’s dinner. It happens every single year,”¯ pessimistically commented an anonymous employee. “But since my night will consist of angry men and women berating and taking out their life’s frustrations upon me for reasons entirely beyond my control, it’ll be just like a typical Thanksgiving back at home.”¯

 

 
 
 
 
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