Best Of: An Ode to Bacon


Hey there! As our writers crawl into their respective rejuvenation containers (read: masturbation chamber in their mom’s basement) over the next couple weeks, we decided to bring you the best articles of Fall 2012! Enjoy!


Bacon—a word known to all people on earth
A substance immeasurable, in terms of its worth
Its taste is divine, its scent always pungent
The term “delicious bacon” is simply redundant

It was created long ago, when man lived in caves
And Wildboarous rex roamed the Earth for days
With a spear, a vision, and a hunger most primitive
Man created bacon and began to truly live

It was cooked with dinosaurs and, of course, their eggs
Man first consumed bacon, then walked on two legs
Things happened fast, but bacon was there
From the wheel to the sea, from the earth to the air

The Wright Brothers ate bacon before their first flight
Tyson ate bacon before every fight
Jordan’s fingers were slick from bacon as he won his sixth ring
Bacon is what helps Adele graciously sing

But it doesn’t end there, the impact is far greater
Armstrong ate bacon inside the Moon’s craters
Through good times and bad, bacon’s sustained
For our bacon-lust is great and we just can’t refrain

Medically speaking, its powers are infinite
Did you know the Polio cure had bacon in it?
Some may say “Bacon? Bah, not for me”
And claim to be happy while still bacon-free

To these people we ask, “Have you not lived?”
Have you not taken all of what bacon can give?
Have you not tasted bacon, fresh cooked and sizzled
Placed directly on your tongue and then happened to jizzle?

It’s perfectly natural; all baconovours have them
Referred to by science as a “bacongasm”
Buy nay, do not join us, live life in your own light
Because if bacon gets short, you’re one less person to fight

Remember the country you live in today
And those who fight to eat bacon our way
In piles, in heaps, by the truck and the pound
The most American act is scarfing bacon down
Coal turns to diamond, pig turns to bacon
If you don’t like this meat your tongue is mistaken
It has given us all more than we can measure
Picking us up through the stormiest weather

When cooking bacon, always wear a shirt
To avoid being burned, splattered, and hurt
Serving this treat is all up to you
Eat it off platters, plates, or you kinky friend’s boobs

The taste is the same; some say it’s a miracle
But man’s connection with bacon is deeply spiritual
And as we make our breakfast each ‘morn
We thank the Bacon Gods we were born

For we have enjoyed the purest form of happiness
In fact, we're eating bacon right now as we're drafting this
To our fellow friends and baconosseurs,
We thank you for recognizing bacon’s allure

And for those who still doubt, well, that’s okay
Just remember that bacon will be there one day
Bacon is joy, bacon is new beginnings
Bacon is salvation for all of your sinning
Bacon can be frozen and made into jerky
But there’s one thing it’s not! and that’s fucking turkey
So only eat true bacon when you choose to indulge
And try to ignore that mid-belly bulge
Bacon, mankind owes you everything and more
Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to go to the store.


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