An Open Letter from Pollen

Article by Cutler Sheridan
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April 17, 2012
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To whom it may concern,

Hey guys, Pollen here. I just wanted to drop by and clear some things up that have been bothering me, because my doctor says if I let things build up it raises my blood pressure.

First off, all you guys who hate me just for existing: Screw you. I didn’t ask to be born into this world with the sole purpose of acting as plant jizz, but here I am. Do you think it’s entirely my fault you guys get generally shitty whenever I’m around? It’s not. Stop blaming your problems on me and start bitching about your terrible immune system. He’s the one who’s too much of a dumbass to realize I’m not a damn virus. Why should he get a free pass? “But pollen, he protects me from other diseases. I don’t want to make him mad!” I don’t give a shit. It’s his fault, so blame him if you have to blame someone.

Also, you think I like it when I get sucked up your disgusting noses? God, I’d rather kill myself. And, usually, that’s what those who suffer that fate end up doing. Seriously, take a shower or something. You’re gross. That’s always been true, but I cut you some slack way back when you all thought pollen was intrinsically linked with Satan. Now I just hate you, and you’re disgusting.

Oh yeah, bees are fun. But really they’re not, because bees scare the shit out of me, and you couldn’t care less. I mean, I get that you don’t like when I come around—you get sick. It’s not my fault, but I get that. But maybe you could be a little more sympathetic to my situation? Bees look like flying ants to you since you’re so big. To me they look like flying buildings that are death incarnate. When they come there’s nothing I can do to stop them from taking me to the nearest plant vagina. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the destination, but it is so far from being worth the ride. I mean, picture yourself being taken to the nearest loose woman. You don’t mind that, right? Oh wait, but to get there you have to ride on the back of a spider the size of your house that’s walking across a tightrope taller than a skyscraper being suspended by... giant bees, I guess. And if the spider falls you’ll land in a pit of snakes that are all on fire. What? That doesn’t sound so amazing? Yeah, I realize that, thanks. And you have to go no matter what.

“You’re married? Too bad, I could kill you with a step so don’t you dare talk back to me.” -A bee

“I woke you up? Cool, I don’t give a shit.” -Another bee

“I love bees! It’s so much fun getting stung by them.” -No one ever

We really don’t appreciate the bad rep we’ve gotten, and maybe we wouldn’t be so bitter if we deserved it, but we don’t, so next time you’re in the throes of a sneezing fit yelling to the only god you know that pollen is the bane of your existence, shut up. Or at least, stop yelling, I guess you can’t help it if you’re sneezing.

-Pollen