An Open Letter (Or Blatant Threat) To That Guy In Class


Dear That Guy,


Yes, you. You know exactly who you are. First you are a terribly annoying person. Yes, that’s not a polite thing to say, but considering you have walked in late to class day after day for literally the entire semester, we think it’s fair. No, it isn’t acceptable behavior. It’s not like you're just a few moments late, running in frazzled with your assignments and textbooks falling out of your hands. For an occasion like that we could forgive you easily, but no. You have come in a solid fifteen to thirty minutes late to each and every class. The rest of us have the dignity to get our fine, tight butts to class in a timely manner; what makes you so damn special that you get off the hook? 


Secondly, what’s going on with the whole “I’m constantly underprepared for anything life has to throw at me” act? Oh, you don’t have your textbook, paper, pencils, notebook, laptop, or anything else you might need for a college class? Shocker! Honestly, how difficult is it to at least pull together a notebook and a pencil? All we’re doing is taking notes, listening occasionally, and playing Fruit Ninja. But, of course, taking notes is too difficult for someone of your intelligence.


Yet, it’s not like you can listen either! You screw that up too, sweet cheeks! It must be so apparent to you, even though you have waltzed into class after it’s halfway over, we’re all are clearly dying to hear your every last opinion on everything, even when they’re inane and absolutely unrelated to anything we’ve been talking about. Not that you would know, obviously, because you weren’t here for that half of the class, were you?


Oh, and now you’ve decided that it’s okay to spread yourself out in a manner that causes everyone else around you to move? These chairs aren’t that big to begin with, Mr. Self-Absorbed Moron. In what world is it acceptable to take up that much more space? 


Also, let’s go ahead and take this time to address several of your other annoying and incredibly noticeable habits and personality traits. You hum quietly under your breath when we’re trying to listen and, ultimately, just get through this lecture. The way you smell makes it clear to  everyone around that you have not bathed or washed your clothes or pubic region since Brady Hoke was only considered “a little chubby.” Seriously, buddy, you smell like sweaty garbage mixed with Jewish cooking—and not the delicious kind, the kind Fran Drescher made for those kids everyday on The Nanny. We’re in college—put a minimal amount of effort into your hygiene. Stop chewing gum louder than you should; and, for Izzo’s sake, take those headphones out of your ears. If you’re not going to pay attention in class, why the hell did you even show up? For the purpose of pissing legitimately everyone off? 


If the guy who naps half the time is obviously irritated by your presence, it’s time to get your shit together. If things don’t start to change we’re going to start locking the door so you can’t get in. And, so help you, if this situation gets any worse than it already is, you can expect a significant amount of rat poison and drops of old jazz musicians’ diarrhea to be subtly slipped into that imported coffee you audibly slurp every day. Maybe not by us specifically, but, honestly, it isn’t an unreasonable expectation that you irritate the ever-living hell out of everyone you come in contact with. Rest assured,  someone will ensure you’re either dead or are dying from Hepatitis B by semester’s end.


Not So Respectfully Yours,

Fed Up Students Everywhere


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