Beer Review: Big Flats 1901 Genuine Beer


“It’s the water that makes it.” But that doesn’t mean it makes it good."


It’s a magical kind of weekend when your friends come over and surprise you with a six-pack of beer. It’s another kind of weekend when your friends surprise you with a six-pack of Big Flats 1901 beer. At only $2.99 a six-pack, it equals $.50 a beer, a mouthful of skunk, and the shame of knowing you have absolutely no standards.


At first crack of the beer, a distinct skunk smell enveloped my nostrils. Despite this, I was still hopeful that I could make a go with this beer and not make sure my friends didn’t really waste wasted a whole 3 dollars. I dig a nice lager, so despite my better judgments, I choked down a hefty gulp and was amazed at the pale taste. 


Not once have I ever tasted a beer that was paler than the milky white skin of my stomach. And in disbelief, I poured Big Flats into a glass and almost thought I was about to drink a glass of water. Usually I stick to only the best beer. But what could I do!? They said it’s made from only the choicest of hops and the water makes it. I can’t turn down an argument like that. It’s science. 


Though the alcohol industry has made some remarkable strides in perfecting alcohol (Bacardi Razz…am I right?), I think that they either took a step backward in the process or completely forgot about the flats. Big Flats takes us back to simpler times where booze was made in a basement bathtub, and the explosions only added to the taste. Drink enough big Flats and you’ll never forget the subtle undertones of ether and mercury. Apparently the beer has been brewed in Rochester, New York since 1901, but I would assume that since 1901, people have decided to not drink toilet water anymore. They say that “It’s the water that makes it,” and we can only assume that it’s the toilet water that makes it. 


Now Rochester has always been an international center of medical and technological development. Being the home of Kodak and Xerox, it’s the site of so many important inventions and innovations especially in the fields of consumer products. But that title should be taken away after gagging on six cans of Big Flats. Could they really not use their great innovations to improve a beer that tastes like the bottom of an outhouse from 1900? I don’t know who’s been drinking this beer for the past 110 years, but I believe that it’s a family of trolls with ZZ Top beards who’ve been hiding the wrath of Charlie Sheen and haven’t left from under their bridge to look for better beer. 


Now this is the new Walgreen’s store brand beer marketed for people in tough times. Honestly, if you’re that hard up, you should rethink your position. And if that doesn’t work, after drinking a six-pack of liquid metal, you’ll probably be turned off to alcohol forever. 


Closing note: do not bring this beer to a party of social event at the expense of being ridiculed and ostracized. Better yet, just don’t drink this beer.


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