Best Drinking Buddy: Decision 2012
- Written by UIUC Staff
- May 18, 2012
In democracies around the world there is a sacred tradition among citizens to carefully elect politicians based on their experience, intelligence, and moral code. Not here, though. We pick the candidate we would most like to shoot hoops and have a beer with. Therefore, let us examine the current presidential candidates to see which one is deserving of the title of “Best Drinking Buddy” and all of its glory.
Drink of Choice: Goose Island Ale
The Illinois native has clearly shown a belief in the magical powers of brew, once attempting to solve a matter of racial tension with a “Beer Summit.” Before you get the party started with the prez, make damn sure you have a functioning karaoke machine on hand. After you lose several games of beer pong to Obama but have him good and tipsy, bust out the karaoke. The man sounds like Al Green when stone-cold sober, so who knows what kind of glory you might uncover when discretion goes out the window. Ray Charles? Frank Sinatra? We'd fire up Tupac’s “Hit ‘Em Up” and have Obama spit a version where “Westside” becomes “USA” and “Biggie” becomes “Osama bin Laden.” Can you imagine that shit? It’d top the charts before replacing our current national anthem. The risk you take, however, in getting drunk with the sitting president is that a slap on the back or funny glance could be misinterpreted by the Secret Service, resulting in you being relocated to Guantanamo Bay and your house being bombed by a Predator drone.
Drink of Choice: Skim milk
Sigh… Mitt doesn’t drink… at all. Even if you managed to trick him into drinking something mixed with flavor-masked vodka, the man would pass out on your couch within a matter of seconds due to a complete lack of tolerance. As fun as it is to draw penises and swastikas on a lightweight, the markers will last longer than the actual entertainment will. Thankfully, Mitt can offer you something rarely available on campus: a dependable sober buddy. He’ll happily drive you from bar to bar using his fleet of pimped-out Caddies, and you won’t have to worry about him succumbing to temptation like knocking back ten Jagerbombs and crashing into a cop car on the way to The Silver Bullet.
Furthermore, if you were to run up a huge tab at the bar, Mitt could easily cover it for you, and will, so long as you promise to vote for him and not use the words “flip-flop”. Romney does, however, lack a key trait that is highly desirable for a sober buddy. Sometimes, when you’re too sloshed to walk in a straight line or do basic math, you need your friend to provide honest answers to questions you can no longer answer yourself. These questions include, “Is this person I’m planning on boning as hot as I think they are?” or, “Am I currently pissing in my pants?” The problem is Mitt, desperate to please, will only give you the answer he thinks you WANT to hear, not necessarily the one you NEED to hear. False information in these instances can potentially result in a trip to jail, or worse, in bed next to a grenade.
WILDCARD: Ron Paul
Drink of Choice: Absinthe
If you’re the type who votes but doesn’t really give a shit who wins in the end, potential third party candidate Ron Paul may be your guy. At a glance, he doesn’t appear to be the most promising drinking buddy, being a frail, gray-haired fella whose voice cracks like a horny thirteen-year-old if it goes louder than a whisper, but appearances can be deceiving. This guy thinks everything besides genocide and sexual harassment should be legal. Just think of all the nasty things you can get away with at the bar now with the fear of harassment out the window. Essentially, feel free to go nuts around this guy. Have him pick up some magic mushrooms on his way over, order some call girls, and see where the night takes you. If you can get Ron drunk enough that he finally shuts up about the Federal Reserve, you’ll have a night to remember (but won’t remember).
With the general election primary nary six months away candidates are gearing up for their run at the number one spot. Better use your connections to get a closed-door meeting with these cats now, before they’re begging for your vote.