Booze Review: Burnett’s Sugar Cookie
- Article by UIUC Staff
- April 12, 2012
Overview: I’m a slave to the vodka lords. When they produce a new flavor, I have no choice but to guzzle it down and grade its worth. Such is my place in life.
History: A small spacecraft crashes into the yard of a homely country couple. Edgar, shotgun in hand, shoves his wife aside to go check out the matter. He is accosted by none other than a “bug” who strips him of his skin and wears Edgar like a bad suit. The bug in Edgar’s likeness goes into the modest country house and asks the wife for some “sugar water.” She obeys, but it’s not enough. The bug demands more and more sugar water, but is insatiable. Rather, he runs round back to find a handle of Burnett’s and pours the contents and a bag of sugar into a trough and guzzles down the contents, leaving little behind. Once finished, the faux-Edgar leaves the house to meet his imminent doom by the hands of the Men in Black, leaving the timid wife to discover his concoction. This is how Burnett’s Sugar Cookie vodka was created.
Typical Drinkers: Bugs wearing Edgar’s skin, fairies, Jay and Kay, former Girl Scouts, Girl Scout troop leaders, the cookie monster, the Cookie Crisp dog, basically all alcoholic cartoons, men who miss their childhood and grandmothers, the Cavity Goon from Timmy the Tooth, hyperactive children whose parents fool them into drinking this sugary mess to get them to slow down, and all women named Lilly. Lilly loves this stuff.
“COOKIES? Cookie monster, hic, loves cookies.”
“Lilly stole the cookie from the cookie jar.”
“Ugh, so sweet I can taste the diabetes.”
“This is by far the Cavity Goon’s most evil plot.”
Conclusion: I wouldn’t hate this stuff so much if it weren’t so freaking sweet. Seriously, you take a whiff of it and your nostrils are coated in sugar and mini marshmallows. But my writer Lilly said it’s not so bad in Diet Coke since that’s less sweet. So there’s that.