Booze Review: Fultonís Harvest Pumpkin Pie Cream Liqueur


Grade: B+


Overview: The holidays are upon us; pumpkins are plentiful so of course people are all about making pumpkin-flavored alcohol. Well, pumpkin pie-flavored alcohol. I’ve never cracked open a pumpkin and started chomping on its innards, but I imagine that would be disgusting. 


History: Shortly after the first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims were bored as hell. They went ahead and made a buttload of pumpkin pies, but after eating so many pumpkin pies, you get pretty fricken sick of pumpkin pie. After some time the pumpkin pies were sitting out so long they began to ferment. It was a Thanksgiving miracle! So the Pilgrims went ahead, got hammered off their asses, gave the Indians some pox blankets and woke up the next morning feeling like a bunch of jerks. So rather than telling anyone that giving the Indians the pox blankets was merely a drunken accident, they decided to roll with it. They bottled up their secret along with this delicious liquor and have been making plenty of money every year when the holiday season rolls around. 


Typical Drinkers: Pilgrims, your bitch aunt, Natalie Portman, autumn fairies, Charlie Brown, turkeys, people who over tan to get that orange glow, Lloyd Christmas, Laura Finkface and the entire Bradley volleyball team. 


User Comments:

“Holy mother of pumpkins, this is the nectar of the gods.”

“Someone call Charlie Brown, we finally know why he was so obsessed with the giant pumpkin!”

“Where on earth did my servant run off to?”

“Liqueuuuuuur. Me fancsta.”


Conclusion: It’s a mighty delicious liqueur. Plus how fancy do you feel when you get to say, “liqueur.” So get off your cheap ass and go get this holiday special. 


The Mixer Center:

On the rocks: A-

With a shot of Goldschlager: B

With milk: C - cause I’m lactose intolerant 

With caramel: A+ - nectar of the gods


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