Booze Review: Glenmore Gin

Article by Quinn Myers
|
April 28, 2011
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Grade: B-

Introduction

Not many people like gin, mostly because you can’t really take shots of it. Not only that, but outside of tonic, it doesn’t really mix well with your everyday sodas. However, if you want to seem like a classy person with classy friends, you should go buy a cheap bottle of Glenmore Gin and some tonic. People will come over and say, “Oh you’re a gin drinker?” and you can say “Yeah, not many people like gin, because you can’t really take shots of it. But I’ve grown accustomed to the taste. And it glows under black lights so it gives me an excuse to explain the stains on my pants in the dance room.”

History

Glenmore Gin is distilled in Kentucky, despite being a “London Dry” gin. But that’s kind of the way alcohol goes, they say they are from somewhere or in the style of another place, but then are actually made right here in the U.S. of A. There isn’t much to say about the history of Glenmore Gin, besides the controversial history of its creator – Glen Moore (originally Glenn Huxtable, but then changed his name because he didn’t want to be associated with “well-to-do black people”). The overtly racist Glen More went through a series of failed investments, including Slamball, the XFL, and cheerporn (a fruitless movement to get NBA cheerleaders to have sex during halftime and full timeouts). Finally, while lying naked in ditch outside of the bourbon trail in Kentucky, he decided the truly American thing he could apply his talents to was making alcohol. So, he drove over to wherever Seagram’s is distilled, kidnapped three executives, and started his own business. Sounds crazy, but that is literally what happened. And the kidnapped executives got so rich off of Glenmore Gin that they eventually forgave Glen. Yep.

Typical Drinkers

Roller skaters, gas station clerks, Tate Dillo, the newly homeless, Theo Huxtable, Van Wilder, Jimmy Connors, Franklin & Bash

Conclusion

It’s a cheap gin that’s worth giving a try. It mixes well with tonic, obviously, but fruity drinks as well. You can even drink it straight if you are poor or drunk already. In any case, you can claim gin and tonic “as your drink” and impress all the ladies who are easily impressed.

Mixer Station

Tonic – A-

Straight –C

Cranberry Juice – C+

Mountain Lightning – C

Hot Tea – F

JOOSE – F-