Booze Review: Kinky liqueur

• Article by UIUC Staff
• 
• |
• April 19, 2012
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• TAGS:
• Alcohol Reviews,
• Illinois,
• Featured Articles,
• Drinkage

Grade: C

Overview: Some people like things kinky, whether it’s a finger up the ole’ butt during sexy time or locks, stocks and two smoking fetishes. Others are a little more traditional because the big man upstairs just demands missionary-style sex. This bev is not for the latter group.

History: Many porn stars saw incredible success in the 1970s. However, stardom soon faded as the years passed and the internet was invented. These vixens-turned-venture-capitalists soon realized that it is difficult to live on paltry paychecks from forty years ago and formed an alliance. Well, it only seemed logical that this alliance would create something as arousing as a liqueur containing “succulent mango, blood orange and passion fruit flavors.” Now that they pop Viagra like daily vitamins while searching for new sources of stimulation, why not bottle their promiscuous youth and call it Kinky? 

Typical Drinkers: Women, those looking for a particularly exotic night, men into martinis, girls who love the color pink, girls in relationships who get it as a gift from their limp boyfriend, limp boyfriends who drink it with their overly demanding girlfriends, women on bachelorette parties, a suburban mom looking for fun once her children go to sleep, housewives of Orange County (or any neighboring Californian county, really).

User Comments:

“I had testicles before I drank this.”

“You had me at Kinky.”

“It’s sweet, like my dream guy. Minus the overly perverse side.” 

“I like Kinky. I can see Kinky in my future.” 

Conclusion: Retailing at $17.99, it would be safe to consider purchasing this bottle straight-up masochism. This product is out of the price range for many college consumers in the market for a liqueur. In addition, Kinky is 34 proof, which is about 30 proof too low for your typical college binge drinker. Unless you have a fetish for sweet drinks, keep this one out of your sack. 

The Mixer Center:

Sprite: C+

Pink Lemonade: C-

Semen: D+

Tears of Disappointment: B-