Booze Review: Malibu Black Rum


Grade: B+


Overview: Malibu Black rum will grab your attention, whether it is because you are a fan of the MalibuBoom Boom commercials on T.V or because you may notice the emphasis on the increased alcohol volume. I can truly say that a single tear fell from my eye when I realized that my favorite Caribbean rum finally grew up. Believe any hype you have heard about this exotic creation my alcoholic friends, because this rum does not disappoint. We all know how delicious the original Malibu rum is, but the one down side to the coconut sensation is the volume of alcohol, which is sadly only 21 percent (42 proof). So lets face it, your friends might make fun of you for not drinking hardcore rum or you might just realize that it takes about 8 Malibu and Sprite drinks to get you tipsy. But now you can shut up your friends and get wasted at the same time with Malibu Black. It is dark, 70 proof (hell yeah), and tastes just as tropical and delicious as you would hope. I proceeded to buy 8 bottles after sampling it once in my local liquor store. Just saying.


History: The original creators Delroy Terrence and Cecil Thomas found themselves in a rut when sales started to decline on the original Malibu rum. Delroy and Cecil were living off the success of their tropical liquor until the majority of their customers simply became alcoholics and needed to move on to darker, stronger liquors. Delroy and Cecil were losing money fast, and for months they sat in the MalibuBoom Boom radio station, addicted to cocaine and strippers. Since Delroy and Cecil were so fucked up the entire time, they couldn’t figure out how to make their product sell. Until one day, a stripper named Isabella was hanging out in the MalibuBoom Boom station when she tasted Malibu rum for the first time and called it “pussy shit”. Delroy and Cecil were extremely offended and beat Isabella to death with a baseball bat, but after they killed her they realized that they needed to create a stronger version of their rum in order to please customers, and Malibu Black was born. Cecil and Delroy shortly enjoyed their newfound success until being sentenced to 300 years in prison for murder. 


Typical Drinkers: Beach Bums, Sean Kingston, college kids with dreadlocks, spring breakers, Russell Brand, Luol Deng, Tom Hanks, anyone wearing a deep v-neck. 


User Comments:

“I got sand in my vagina!”

“I’m never getting off this fucking island.”

“Pass me the ukulele and the heroin.” 

“And can I get a hot tub!”


Conclusion: This liquor is fantastic and perfect for summer. Malibu Black gives you more alcohol content than the original Malibu rum with all of the delicious Caribbean flavors that you crave; there is no comprise on taste for alcohol content. The price isn’t too bad either, ranging from 17 to 20 bucks for a 750ML bottle, depending on the store. I was skeptical about the drinking a dark version of Malibu (I prefer clear liquor), but I was impressed with how smooth and crisp it turned out to be. Malibu Black is very easy to drink and is perfect for summertime occasions. 


Mixer Station

Straight Up- B

With Everclear- D-

Coke- A

Orange Juice- B-

Off a bum’s sandal- F

Mixed with Dayquil- F-


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