Booze Review: McCormick Rum


Grade: C+


Overview I don’t know how the alcohol industry works. McCormick Distillery is a major liquor distillery, and it isn’t run and owned by some larger rum-making corporation.  If it were owned by a larger corporation I would understand, because it probably means they just slap McCormick on all their shitty runoff and sell if for cheap. But instead, the McCormick Company just churns out a terrible product and stays in business because people are poor and need to get drunk. 



History The McCormick Distillery is in Weston Missouri (even though it says “imported” on the bottle), which explains why their website doesn’t function – I’m not sure the internet has come to Missouri, and if it did they wouldn’t know what to do because they can’t physically have sex with it. However, it does say that they are the “oldest continuously operating distillery in the U.S.” Oldest, continuously operating must mean that they still brew the alcohol the mayor’s old bathtub. It also must mean that in typical Missouri fashion, they ignored what the rest of the country was doing and continued to produce liquor during prohibition. In any case, no one has told them to stop making alcohol, so they keep doing it. Down in the mayor’s basement, they filter the terrible brown liquid into milk cartons and send them down the Mississippi! Somewhere along the line the mayor’s cousin hooks the cartons on his peg leg and pours the liquid into old Burnett’s bottles. He then throws them in his GMC Vandura and sells the product to a different college campus every time. He goes to different campuses because once people taste the stuff they never want to see him again. Also because he tries to get girls to blow him in his Vandura. 


Typical Drinkers Yokels, podunks, hobknobs, jo-jo’s, freednups, sugarnips, grinders, pounders, hayseeds, cornjunks, rottentooths, clodhoppers, rubes, and yahoos. 


User Comments

“I reckon I like sex with pigs more, I do!” 

“This tastes like the Mississippi”

“Is this a GMC Vandura? No thanks, I’d rather not smell your rag” 

“He had a peg leg and told me he had some rum in his van, and then I don’t remember anything else.”


Conclusion It’s cheap. It mixes o.k. with Coke, and gets you drunk. What else do you want me to say? It’s just like any other cheap rum on the market. It’s also got a really cool white handle that kind of sticks out. That’s what we were attracted to, anyway. 


Mixer Station

Coke – B-

Sprite – C+

Soda Water – C

Str8 Up – C-

Sweat - D

Water from the Mississippi – F


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