Booze Review: Old Monk XXX Rum

 

Grade: F

 

Overview: Somehow, without any advertising at all, Old Monk is the largest selling dark rum in the world. Crazy because the only word-of-mouth we’ve gotten was that this stuff sucks. And it really does.

 

History: Many moons ago there was a young man named Anthony. He was preparing to leave home and commit to a monastery, to kinda-sorta follow in his father’s footsteps, who was the local pastor. It wasn’t really what Anthony wanted to do with his life, but his parents looked down on his dream of bartending at a nearby pub for the rest of his life.

 

Upon entering the monastery, Anthony knew that he was already not going to fit in. None of the other men wanted to talk about women, gambling, or alcohol—Anthony’s three favorite things in the whole wide world. Everyone stared him down every time Anthony snuck a sip of rum from his flask. Pretty soon he was ratted out to the older monks, and Anthony was brought into a secret room to meet with his superiors. Instead of being burned at the stake, like Anthony predicted, the men he met were a bit more understanding.

 

“Young Anthony,” the oldest monk, Henry, began to say, “we know that this is not the place for you. Hell, you know it’s not the place for you. What is it that you really want to do?”

 

“I’ve always wanted to work as a bartender, but my father is a pastor, and he would not allow it.”

 

“Instead of telling the Lord about your sins and having you sent straight to Hell, we’re preparing to make a deal instead.” Anthony’s ears perked up with intrigue. “Go, my son. Go forth and travel to Jerusalem and concoct the best dark rum that you can to sell at your pub. Sell the bottles throughout all the land and give us 50% of the profits.”

 

Anthony was willing to do anything to get out of that prison of prayers, so he took their blessing and set off, failing to alert his parents of his new lifestyle. After compiling the best rum recipe (one that he called Old Monk), he left Israel for the distilleries of India. After the first batch was produced, he sent a heavy, rich envelope back to the men of the monastery.

 

Typical Drinkers: People who make Communion at church, Presbyterian rebels, nuns, old homeless men and everyone in India.

 

User Comments:

“The first time I bought a bottle of this it was so bad that I poured it down the toilet. Probably doing that again tonight.”

“It literally tastes like an old man.”

“This is a disgrace to rum brands everywhere.”

 

Conclusion: Made in India, Old Monk is popularly consumed with just a mix of water, proving that those guys are just way too tough for us. It also has its own international holiday on December 19 and a few gold medals from Monde Selection? What?

 

Best Mixer: Coke

Worst Mixer: Water

 

 
 
 
 
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