Booze Review: Smirnoff Kissed Caramel
- Article by UIUC Staff
- September 6, 2012
Overview: Everybody likes some flavored vodka now and again, but there’s always the fear of it being too sugary to handle. If you can’t tell that vodka with caramel in it will be too sugary, then you’re a big dummy who should just stick to unflavored Burnett’s.
History: After a successful yet freakishly weird Tim Burton remake, Willy Wonka was living a meaningless life, unsure how to next use his talents. His Everlasting Gobstopper left no room for experimentation since it already maintained delicious flavor, and his lickable wallpaper was deemed a health hazard by the Food and Drug Administration. Wonka felt that his time was done out appealing to the youthful, candy-inhaling market segment he dominated for years. Turning away from children, he set his sights on adults and law-defying teenagers. He knew the one product that could bring joy and happiness to twenty-somethings like licorice ropes could bring sugar highs to seven year olds: alcohol. He dabbled with rum and whiskey, but found vodka to be the perfect companion to sugary flavors. Inspired by his gorgeous chocolate river, Wonka whipped up a batch of caramel-infused vodka shots and knew he had struck gold. Next plan on his list? Mix this creation with his Fizzy Lifting Drink when he really wants to get crazy.
Typical Drinkers: Oompa-Loompas, Snooki, newborn Irish babies, Augustus Gloop, people that never visit the dentist, Gene Wilder, Roald Dahl fans.
“It’s hot and creamy! I can actually feel it running down my throat!”
“I bet this would taste really good in cream soda.”
“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. And this is like, both of them.”
“This is killing my teeth.”
“What’s the difference between caramel and butterscotch?”
Conclusion: Pour yourself a glass of (Diet) Coke and mix in some of this week’s vodka to create a cavity-causing caramel concoction. It’s the perfect addition to your pregame if you’ve got a bit of a sweet tooth. If not, this really isn’t the alcohol for you. Sorry. We’ll be back next week with poison, hater.
Best Mixer: Coke | Worst Mixer: Tooth Paste