Burger King is On Fire!

Article by Isaac
|
April 12, 2012
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Illinois State

So ever since Burger King at the Bone went up in flames, I’ve had to go for weeks without my Triple Whopper with bacon and cheese. I’ve actually had to get exercise and walk down to Einstein’s and get a pizza bagel. Fuckin’ ridiculous, man! I love Burger King so much that one time I asked the cashier to give me their hat so that I may wear it in celebration. The manager was pissed, but she gave me the hat anyways. I threw it forcefully into the deep fryer and ate the hat upon deep-fry-completion. Anyway, that’s beside the point.

When I heard that Burger King went down, the first thing that I thought was, “oh god, here come the lame puns associated with Burger King being on fire” and sure enough, they came. I walked up to my friend the next morning, bummed that I couldn’t get a Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper like I always do before my 9 a.m. class, and he had the nerve, no, the AUDACITY to say to me, “Yo bro, did you hear? The Bone BK got a new sandwich, the BK Broiler!” He proceeded to show me his troll face, to which I replied, “Dude, BK Burn!” and we high fived. I couldn’t resist. The jokes were way too easy and they were…well, hilarious.

Days turned into weeks and we kept making the hilarious puns about Burger King. “Guys I need to burn some calories, I’m going to Burger King.” Eventually, as suspected, it got old, and it even got to the point that if I heard one more person make a bad pun about Burger King, they were going to feel my Grilled Chicken foot up their Dr. Pepper ass. I went into my next class, Philosophy, and a guy had a Burger King bag - munchy-wunchin on his french fries. I walked up to him nervously. “Hey man, where’d you get that shit?” He told me it was from another Burger King across town. I asked him for a fry to which he offered me two. He was definitely a good guy.

So what alternatives do we have to Burger King? Well…there’s Pizza Hut. You know, that shitty pizza place where the toppings taste more like cardboard than pepperoni? That place that makes you think you’d rather eat Watterson Pizza 100 times out of 100? Yep. Or you could go to Freshens and get yogurt or milkshakes or whatever the fuck they sell there. Does anyone really care? I just want my Triple Bacon Cheeseburger and large fries from Burger King. I can hardly stand it!

It seems like the only thing we can do is to just tough it out until the Burger King reopens. When will that be? Nobody seems to know. It could be next week, could be next year, could be never. Can you imagine what they might replace the Burger King with if they got bought out? A Starbucks? Hardees? Taco Bell? Think of the possibilities! Bowman could open up a new dorm complex. Call it the BK Lounge and admit 500 incoming freshmen to live there next year!