Caf-Fart-Teria

Article by Justin Gawel
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May 4, 2012
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Michigan State

Do you like food? Do you like having your (or your parents’) bank account absolutely violated? Kinda like that kid your middle school shop teacher took a shine to back in the day? Well, if you answered ‘yes’ to one or fewer of these questions, then you shouldn’t be in the market for any sort of meal plan to Michigan State’s cafeterias!

The cafeteria is infamous for its double-edged swordery. Yes, they sometimes serve chicken tenders— which is awesome. Other times, you lose your appetite as the middle-aged cafeteria worker grabs your sandwich with a de-gloved paw, her unkempt knuckle hair creeping toward your food like a nest of tiny, greasy anacondas.

To be frank, the caf isn’t worth it. The food may be acceptable, but we all have places we’d rather eat out at (and feel fancy), or dishes we’d rather cook and munch on at home (and feel like a real adult for a change). As for the cafeteria: We don’t need the lines. We don’t need their dress code, which is not conducive to nip-slips or tip-slips. But most importantly, we don’t need the expensive cost of the cafeteria, which by today’s standards amounts to close to a king’s salary, provided that we’re thinking about one of those African kings who gets paid in beads or feathers each year roughly amounting $2,393 American dollars.

While living on Michigan State’s campus, the university requires you to buy a meal plan. As of today, my team of grad student researchers has indicated that the semester options all even out to about $2,393 for unlimited personal access to the cafeteria. The team also claims that the only difference between the plans is adding Sparty Cash and guest meals, but what’s the point? I mean, they’re all students here, they know that the liquor stores and drug dealers don’t accept Sparty Cash. Anywho, $2,393 for fifteen weeks of food, depending on how many times per day you visit the caf, works out to about this:

Semester = 15 weeks and costs $2,393

Cost per meal:

Eat 3x per day = $7.60

Eat 2.5x per day = $9.12

Eat 2x per day = $11.40

Some fat loudmouth will refute our findings by claiming that the plan is unlimited, and thus, he is paying very little for how much he eats since he spends his days gorging himself until he falls asleep in the caf with his Type 2 diabetes clock rapidly winding down.

To an individual such as said corpulent, noisy face-hole, I would say if you’re consistently eating more than 21 full meals per week at the cafeteria, well, this may sound offensive (and that’s because it is), but you’re a fat fuck who’s going to die young. Man the harpoons, because if you keep up that regiment you’re probably going to have a whale of a greasy corpse for your friends/eating buddies to pry out of your lonely bed someday soon. Even more embarrassing for your family who hasn’t distanced themselves yet, will be the autopsy in which they find more bits of gravy and egg yolk in your veins than actual blood. The epitaph on your freakishly obese grave site will read something like: “He Died the Way He Lived: Eating Fried Cheese Dipped in Hellman’s Original Mayonnaise.”

Plus, for every corpulent fuck-tard out there there‘s a handful of girls and guys with poor body image who go to the cafeteria less than twice a day and even out the average number of visits from the tubbies described above. Hey, call me old-fashioned, but for these mirror-averse types, $11.40 (or more) is a lot of money to pay for a bran muffin, a grapefruit, and the feelings of guilt and low self-esteem for the rest of the day, right?

The off-campus plans aren’t much better, with them costing you at least $7.50 every pop.For that price there are a number of options that will deliver (Menna’s, Bell’s, whoever else pays for ads in here), or you can make food at home for a fraction of the price.Then you can drink your savings at the bar!

Give a hoot: Don’t let your bank account be taken advantage of (middle-school shop-teacher-style), and stop buying meal plans for the cafs at Michigan State.