Champaign Bums? Or Masterminds of the Universe?
- Written by Mr. Byrnes
- September 25, 2011
Living on campus in Champaign is a great life. There are plenty of places to eat, drink, be merry, and publicly fornicate. Since I have moved to this campus, however, the air has smelled a bit “fishy,” and I’m not talking about when your mom came to visit last weekend. I’m talking about the homeless people. While a fun-loving group, these homeless people may be up to something more sinister! Where do they go? What are they doing? Who are their favorite Little Rascals? The answers are out there!
I’ve been informed by an alter ego of mine that the homeless on campus are, in fact, up to something big. Let’s just say they have some cards up their many sleeves that could potentially change the fabric of the space-time continuum. Those money hungry, can-collecting addicts are not out to ask for your money, collect your cans, and struggle with flannel addictions. That’s all just a cover for their real agenda: They are the Keepers of the Inconceivable Bowl of Unlimited Money.
Disguised as a Dixie Cup containing loose change, The Inconceivable Bowl of Unlimited Money, or IBUM as some call it, holds the power that governs the entire universe. Forged during the first nanoseconds of the Big Bang, the IBUM generates universal currency that can be any item of worth in the known universe. It does this by using enormous amounts of energy to collide subatomic particles to form basic elements and other science stuff, which I don’t have the time to explain.
For billions of years, the Keepers of the IBUM have passed it on to different forms of intelligent life. The Keepers came to Earth in search of a plant they had discovered called cannabis. Since their arrival, they have given birth to many religions and invented capitalism with the foresight that they would always be the wealthiest beings in the universe. Since the dawn of their existence, the Keepers have been the conspirators behind all malicious acts of chaos throughout history, such as the creation of black holes, the Death Star, Teletubbies, and the Cubs’ 2011 season.
Why do these ultra-rich people disguise themselves as the poor, lowly street rats of Champaign? The answer is unclear. It is believed that they are constantly being challenged by a counter-wealth group called the Universal Society of Gypsies and Other Vagabonds (USGOV), who are theoretically on the hunt for the Keepers of the IBUM.
To try and find more answers, I went out into the streets to search for a seemingly “homeless” person to conduct some interviews. Lying on his back in front of Pizza Hut on Green Street was a man I encountered who had some pretty interesting things to say.
Me: “Excuse me sir, am I correct in assuming you are homeless basednoff of the crust around your eyes and your stench of bacon grease?”
Bum: “Hey man, how’s it going today? You look like a good young student, and I’d only like to talk to you for a minute…”
Me: “Sir please, I am the one conducting the interview here. Now, I have some questions: Is it true that all of the homeless people in Champaign are actually members of a secret group of intelligent life forms who have controlled the funding of malicious acts such as black holes, the Death Star, Teletubbies, and the upcoming apocalypse using a mysterious mechanism called the IBUM?”
Bum: “Look, if you could just help me out today, see I came here a couple weeks ago with my brother, and he left me here and took all of the money I had, I need to buy a bus ticket back to Philadelphia. Could you spare some change? Please, buddy, I’m just trying to get home…”
Me: “Are you trying to return to some conglomerate in Philadelphia operated by the Keepers of the IBUM? Are you being chased by the USGOV?”
Bum: “I have a lot of mental problems as you can see from this chart (hands me generic list of mental health disorders he found at the mental health clinic at McKinley). Could you spare some change to help me buy the medicine I need?”
Me: “Jeeze, you people are tough cookies to crack! (I begin walking away backwards, shaking my fist) I’ll find out the truth! You just wait! I will expose the Keepers of the IBUM and the USGOV and will finally bring an end to this madness!!!”
Bum: “Yeah, thanks, asshole.”
So my interviews were not as successful as I had hoped, but I am one who seeks answers and will not give up! Until next time, curious crusaders!