Chippewas, Read Me!

Article by Dana Borzea
|
September 16, 2011
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Dear Central University Chippewas,

Welcome to our institute of knowledge, Western Michigan University, and our glorious city of Kalamazoo! I know that all of you are here to attend the annual football game at Waldo stadium on Saturday, but I want to be the bigger person and extend to you our warmest Bronco welcome! I hope we can put aside the assumed hatred for each other, because I’m writing this specifically for your benefit. I want to make your stay here as enjoyable as it can be!

For those of you that didn’t pre-purchase your alcohol before leaving Mt. Pleasant and are proud owners of a fake ID, have no fears. The Den is a party store that’s located directly across from our campus in the same plaza as Pita Pit, Buddha’s Belly and the Grotto bar. They don’t give a shit if you taped a cut-out of a screenshot of a McLovin ID onto a piece of cardboard, they sell to everyone. When you walk in you’ll see the “Wall of Shame” of fakes that they’ve supposedly caught. Don’t mind that, it’s just there to throw off the po-po. Just be sure to use the codeword (It’s fartcancer) when you’re buying Everclear in bulk. Also, the bars around here are as strict as Lindsay Lohan’s parents. Half the time they don’t even check IDs, they never ask for a second form, and licenses out of state are a 100% guarantee for entrance. Make sure to stop by there after you hit up the house parties.

Speaking of parties, I’ll give you the lowdown on where you should rage. If you hear of any parties on streets such as Lafayette, Greenwood, or Euclid, avoid them at all costs. Those parties suck, and people of such elevated status as yourself wouldn’t want to be seen there. If people tell you about parties at The Pointe or The Centre that’s where you and the rest of your clan should head. Don’t worry about calling Big Daddy Taxi and paying for cab fares, these places are well within walking distance. Just walk down West Michigan Avenue away from campus and keep going. It’s a lot shorter walk than you think, just keep walking! What? Don’t stop, you’re almost there!

Also, if you’re going to the student ghetto don’t let the name fool you. It’s one of the safest places around campus! You shouldn’t worry about your surroundings or questionable people, especially at night. Make friends with the men roaming the streets. They may resemble meth-addled bums at first glance, but they’re just the super seniors going for the grunge look.

If you see a Western Michigan University cop, don’t run away. Those guys have the same amount of authority as mall cops. They can’t arrest you or give you MIPS. Their only weapon is a walkie-talkie to call parking services. So, pick up that fifth of Burnett’s cherry you hid behind the bush and continue drinking openly. Is the cop not leaving? You should find a brick and throw it through his window; he’ll think it’s totally hilarious.

Make sure to stop by the Bronco Mall in the Bernhard center while you’re in town. There are so many options for food you won’t even know how to decide on one! Along with the food, it’s also where everyone on campus hangs out, there’s always something new going on there.

If you’re searching for a more adventurous route before you depart back I’ve got just the thing. On campus, located by the Miller Auditorium, there is this huge water fountain. Whether it’s day or night, you must stop by there and jump right in! Have a water fight with your fellow Chips and just mess around!

I hope that each and every one of you takes my advice and live up your short time here in Kalamazoo. From the rest of the staff and myself, we hope that you guys return after all the fun you’ll have this weekend. Win or lose we’ll still booze, together!

Seriously,

Dana Borzea