Cockblocking Your Mom on Mom’s Weekend
- Article by John McHoneyCombs
- April 8, 2011
We all like to think our mothers didn’t party when they went to college. In fact we’d like to imagine that our parents only had sex the necessary amount of times to make you and any siblings you have. Any other intimacy shouldn’t go further than high fives and firm handshakes. However, the closer your mom comes to Champaign-Urbana the more she desires to live out a Ke$ha video.
First comes the slow realization that your mom used to be a hood rat when she was in school. There will be a slight change in her behavior, a small twinkle in her eye and that twinkle is called hope. She lost it when she had you and realized her days of drinking herself stupid would have to wait at least eighteen years. Now that wait is over and the mating screech of sorority girls on Saturday night is calling her back to those days.
If your mom is divorced then there is about a 70% chance she’s at least going to make out with a frat boy named Ogre, 40% chance she’s going to do the nasty with him, and a 15% chance that Ogre is going to become your new father. Relax, he’s very mature and will totally hook you up with some of that African Kush he just scored. If your mom is married then the chances of you gaining a new (kickass) dad are severely diminished. However, if your parents haven’t slept in the same bed in over a year then it might just be Ogre’s lucky night.
Your first option to keeping your mom’s vagina stapled shut is to keep her away from parties and bars. You can do this by planning out your whole night ahead of time. Go to some second-rate talent show at the Union, see a play at Foellinger, or have a movie marathon. If you’re like me and those options aren’t underhanded enough for you, then you might want to try these: remind her that C section scars are gross as hell, have her park in a spot where you know her car will get towed, or get her drunk enough to pass out before you leave your place. All of these play off adult’s natural weakness: early bedtime. Take her to Fat Sandwich for dinner and I can almost guarantee she’ll be passed out by ten.
Suppose all else has failed and nothing besides blunt force trauma is going to keep your mom from hitting up the nightlife. You need to guide her to somewhere where you can at least keep an eye on her. If you go to a fraternity you might as well hand all the bros a map to your mom’s snatch. Chapter President is an impressive title and your mom can’t resist a man with so much power. Apartment parties are smaller and therefore make it easier to keep track of her, but with soft beds just a few feet from the party, by the time you finish using the bathroom the guy who invited you could already be balls deep on the one woman you love.
So by this point you’ve probably landed on bars, as this is the most familiar setting for your mom (excluding the backseat of a Toyota Camry). I can promise you two things right off the bat: Guys will be hitting on your mom and your mom will be too drunk to tell the difference between a breathalyzer and a dong. She hasn’t had practice building up those natural defenses that girls in college develop towards drunk pick up lines, so she’ll be as vulnerable as a first semester freshwoman. If you want to keep her dignity intact don’t plan on having fun, you’re going to have to shadow her like death. If someone is getting a little too close to scoring (e.g. he’s playing the harp under her skirt) there are a couple tricks you can use. Spilling beer on her will always bring her back to reality, faking coming out of the closet is enough to shock her sober, or you could just straight up deck her. She’s your mom, you’re doing it completely out of love.
Hopefully these little tidbits of advice will keep your mom safe from people like the entire The Black Sheep staff. Especially keep her away from our women, they will scissor her senseless.