Concert Attendees We Love to Hate
- Written by Kendall McDougal
- July 19, 2012
During summer break college students pretty much live for summer concerts. Summer concerts are outdoor oasis of fun during these four months of shitty summer jobs and parents’ irrational rules. Sadly, these opportunities to drink in music happen to be populated by some… interesting characters.
The parent “chaperones” that still think they’re twenty, and get way drunker than their kids: These middle-aged messes are always class acts at summer concerts. They agree to take their underage kids and their friends to the concert under one condition: they can get as drunk as they please. It’s always a couple of moms teaming up to chug as many beers as they can in a couple of hours. Before you know it, they’re belting out every song (even if they even know the lyrics) and hitting on high school boys as their saggy tits fall out of their low-cut shirts. These old bags think they’re MILFs, everyone else think they’re obnoxious as shit.
The PDA couple that thinks every song pertains to their relationship: Every song is “their song.” These two spend the entire concert gazing into each other’s eyes while gently caressing each other’s asses to the music. It’s nauseating. Their level of obliviousness is truly amazing. It’s as if they think they’re in a shady hotel, when they’re actually in a massive crowd, surrounded by people that would love nothing more than to dump beer on their heads. It gets old fast when at the beginning of every song they turn to each other and say “Aww baby, it’s us! I love you so much!”
The wannabe fans that try to dress the part: These posers don’t know a single song by the group that’s performing, but they do know how to put together the perfect outfit to fake it. At a country concert they are decked out in cowboy boots, jorts and a cowboy hat. At a techno concert they are head to toe in neon and glow sticks. Despite the outfit, they still think “Deadmau5” is pronounced “Deadmau-five.” These people waste their money on concerts they have no interest in just so they can snap a new profile pic in their well-thought-out ensemble. Spare us the act - we all know you really listen to Carly Rae Jepsen. Well, maybe.
The fan that only knows one song and flips shit when it comes on: There’s always one of these in every group of friends. They tag along to the show just so they can hear that one incredibly overplayed song on the radio that everyone in the English-speaking world knows. This person goes to a Maroon 5 concert to hear “Payphone,” even if they don’t know another song on the new album. And when “Payphone” comes on, they go nuts and make sure everyone around them knows that they know every single word. Congrats bro, you got the lyrics memorized to the one track that the radio plays nonstop.
The high school girls in minimal clothing: College boys love these bitches, college girls hate their guts. Rockin’ the booty shorts and crop tops, this jailbait think they’ve got the world at their feet. These underagers flock from group of guys to group of guys asking for some beer. Lucky for them, creepy old men often fall for their bellybutton rings and big blue eyes. Better be thankful for that skinny little midriff of yours while it lasts sweetheart, it’s out the door once you get knocked up in a van after one of these shows.
These characters are royal pains in the collective ass of summer concertgoers everywhere. Next time you’re at a concert and you encounter one of these people just grit your teeth and try your hardest not to douse them in Bud Light.