Coping with Electrical Outages: A Guide


Close your eyes… Picture a room in a house. One that is cozy and familiar too you. Perhaps there are some nice, warm couches. Maybe the soft lull of music plays. People are gathered there engaging in all manners of charming, familial activities. Open your eyes. Was there a T.V in that room? Light from incandescent bulbs? How about that music? Emitting from an iHome, right? Well, if you’re reading this then you didn’t close your eyes, so you probably never pictured a room, modern or rustic, using a primitive tool known as the imagination. This imagination is just one of many pre-electrical tools of human diversion. Another is the abacus, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves, first we must discuss why electricity is bad.


Remember that room you should have pictured a while ago? Return to its confines. Now take away the electrical appliances. What’s left? A chair, perhaps a table or two? Much like the real room you are undoubtedly sitting in this very moment sans its technological apparatus, this fantastical room is now quite dull. “But I will never face such a reality in my existence, my family has money,” you think with that electrical brain. But egads, dear reader! In life, all things must at some point fail, and electricity, as magical and elusive as it may be, too succumbs to error and defeat.


It might be a freak storm, a circuit breaker breaking, or a gardener who is simply too eager about his hydrangeas to obey local digging ordinances. No matter how it happens, the result is always the same: for an undetermined period of time you and your loved possessions will be left in the dark. And not just the dark of no lights to relieve the physical darkness, but the Dark of a bygone era, when dinosaurs roamed and Velcro was a revolutionary idea.


And what will you do in this time? What strange mental sector will you have to awake forcefully, like a field long abandoned for its lack of nutritious soil? Fear not, for when the time comes you will be prepared. For I have been to this alien place, and survived its harsh clime. And with this guide, you also will emerge from the brink of despair and cry out to the war –torn sky, “I am a god! I am undefeatable! I am a beautiful animal! And I have survived the unknowable!”


1. Let there be light! In the horrible, all too actual event that the power fails, you may be plunged into the dark. But do not panic! First, determine: is it day or night? Signs to look for include lights coming from windows, clocks, and the sun. If it is day, remember the sun makes light for people as it has since colonial times! If it is night, find the nearest cell phone and use it to locate the nearest match to find the closest flashlight.


2. Let there be protection! When the electricity goes out, so do fancy, oh- so modern security systems. This puts you and you valuables at risk! Transfer them lickety-split to an old fashion combination lock safe. Preferably one behind an antique painting. Then, find a bludgeoning tool such as a crowbar or a wrench to protect it in the case of bandits looking to score on the whole town’s misfortune.


3. Let there be food! Oh no! Hunger is starting to set in and both the George Forman Grill and the microwave are useless! Could this be the end? No! Although your place may no longer have electricity, many restaurants in your area have generators which keep the food coming piping hot!


4. Let there be music! The IHome is out and the radio is dead! But remember that game you always like to play, Guitar Hero? That’s actually based upon a real, live instrument called the guitar, which many people, called “musicians,” used to play. You may be surprised to find one in your attic or even right there in your bedroom! Pick it up, and you’ll find it makes music just like in the game, and with practice you’ll be playing “Freebird” at 4am just like you’re used to. Except for real!


5. Let there be joy! You don’t have to be alone just because the internet is gone! Gather up some friends and gobble beers on a porch. You’ll find within minutes of laughing and playful banter that you forget the electricity is gone in the first place.


6. Let there be life! With all the self-reliance gained through surviving on instinct, the endearing time spent with friends, and peacefully gazing at the stars long abandoned by your once ham-like brain you may find those once barren patches of hammy cerebral matter burst to life with corn and wheat, grass for sheep to graze and bugs to crawl upon. You did it! You’ve learned a very important lesson: the only electricity you need is the kind that powers the human body. Which, from my vast scientific understanding, is the same as the kind that powers lights and XBoxes.


New Plan: find a way to harness own body’s electricity to power apartment to ensure we will be watching Minute to Win It by 9.


Stay Connected with The Black Sheep