Don't Put a Ring On It, Please
- Written by Teddy Baum Cox
- April 23, 2012
That damn Beyoncé has done it again. That chick has made getting hitched seem like the definitively trendy, hip thing to do besides smoking cigarettes and selling drugs (which are always cool). With college ending for many seniors, the panic to keep their largely dysfunctional relationships going is what drives some guys to buy a ring and slap it on the one night stand-turned girlfriend that they desperately want to keep screwing. Bad idea. Seriously, I’d put that on par with New Coke, The Bay of Pigs, and every movie Topher Grace has ever been in (seriously, have you seen Bad Company?). If you’re so in love, listen to this advice: Let it end. Still hearing wedding bells? Before you get down on one knee in front of a girl who gets on two for you, I urge you to read on.
First, do you really think that at the age of 21 or 22 you’re mature enough for marriage? Marriage is a big deal, and, unlike college, it lasts a lifetime. If you’re a Spartan, you‘ve imbibed to the point of pissing the bed at least once. Compound that with your proclivity for riots, your appetite for skipping class, your desire to cheat off of international students, and, oh, most importantly, your penchant for watching the vilest porn the blessed internet has to offer. Yep, it’s definitely for the best that you don’t pick up a passenger on this vomit-filled rollercoaster ride that you call your “life.”
Oh, maybe you’re under the impression that you aren’t a “typical” MSU student. No, you’re far more mature (pretentious), and you know in the depths of your heart that this one is the one—your soulmate, your baby oven. Well, spoiler alert: With the way this school routinely bends students over, Oz-style, for tuition, plus the expenses of living in your shit-hole/slum/favela — the cash you have leftover to buy that special someone a ring might be enough for a tiny, little diamond pebble. Maybe.
Diamonds might last forever, but the resentment she’ll feel in her heart over you being more bankrupt than Warren Sapp will help grease the wheels on the divorce train, and she won’t feel so bad taking half of your “equity.” Goodbye, 2000 Dodge Neon! Goodbye, “classic” pog collection!
Getting married to a twenty-something fresh out of college screams Kardashian-level desperation. College is a time of experimentation for both sexes; it’s a time for trying out new things, maybe trying out new partners, hell, maybe even trying out two things with two partners at one time! Personally, when considering my future wife, I hope to never, ever know what horrid things she did or got stuck in her, and further, I hope she never inquires about any of the unforgiveable things I’ve done (and continue to do). Marriage might be about trust, but it’s also about keeping your deepest and darkest secrets to yourself. Linking up with a girl from college means each of you know about every sex event that the other one R.S.V.P’ed to as “cumming.”
Romance is always a tricky situation and I’m no Mike Myers-esque love guru. Heck, the most romantic thing I’ve ever done was put on a condom without the girl asking me to, but marriage? Bro, come on now. Don’t do it. For your sake, for her sake, and for this country’s divorce rate’s sake, don’t you dare put a ring on it; no matter how much you think you should.