Drummers Are Sexy
- Written by Carles Barkley
- September 23, 2011
It has recently come to my attention that drummers are indeed very sexy. In fact, I’d say they’re coming to the point where they are replacing the guitarist as the “hot member of the band.” Too long they’ve sat in the shadows of the guitar-wielding dick at the front of the stage, and now it is finally their time for the spotlight.
Not too long ago, I went to see this blues band, Timmy D and the Blind Justice, play at The Iron Post bar in downtown Urbana. I don’t know if it was the Fat Tires I’d been drinking all night, or the sexy tunes I was jammin’ to, but sitting in the back corner of the stage, wailing on his kit, I spied the sexiest man of all time. My heart was racing alongside the beats he was laying out for the band to follow, and I felt it was my duty to expose the magnificent sex appeal that oozes out of drummers all around the world.
This single solitary drummer really got me thinking about all the different reasons a drummer could be a Fabio for any woman. For starters, these men have stamina. They can sit by their kit for hours on end just banging away as furiously as possible on their snares and hi hats until the break of dawn. Sweat dripping down their face they pour all of their energy into those drums. Just imagine that kind of endurance in the sack. And I have to say all that drumming does wonders for the forearms – which I could tell you from experience, some men can’t handle the kind of foreplay a woman needs without proper forearm fortitude.
However, drummers aren’t all Animals screaming and constantly ruining things for Kermit, they know the art of the finesse. It’s easy to make drums whack out loud crashes and ka-pows, but pay attention to the drummer in a slow song. He gently taps his symbols and snares like a lover lying down with a virgin on a beach for the first time. There is nothing quite as sensual as watching a drummer use his stick to softly patter down a string of chimes at just the right moment in a song to make your heart and your loins burst with pure unadulterated passion.
Contrary to common belief, the drummers are in fact the leaders of the band. The drummer controls the rhythm of a song and the entire band must rely upon him to keep the desired pace. They all look to him at the start of every song, and it is his responsibility to count off the “1 2 3 4” to ensure everyone begins at the most opportune time – giving the audience the best first impression possible. Yet the drummer selflessly sets the pace to whatever everyone agreed on and even more selflessly settles in the back of the stage and allows the guitarist to take the title of “sexiest band member”. Of course this doesn’t make the guitarist selfish – anyone in their right mind would be proud to wear that crown, but women are always looking for the man who will put her needs before his own, and I believe we have found that in the drummer. Not to mention most of them can sing nowadays too. It’s never enough to be just a good guitarist or drummer or pianist in today’s industry, so odds are if you’ve found yourself a drummer in a band, he can serenade you as well.
So ladies, if you’re looking for a real man who can bang out all your frustrations and problems, why not look to the Ringos of the world. Sure, Ringo’s solo career was doomed from the start, but that’s because drummers are the heart of a band. They beat out the rhythm that the rest of the body lives by, but you can’t just have a heart all on its own. And yes, I did take that drummer from The Iron Post home with me that night, so rest assured I’ve “done the research” to back up my theory.